Most Thoughtful Christmas Gift

Since our families live far away, every year we spend Thanksgiving with one family and Christmas with the other. The next year we alternate the holidays. Every other year, when we're with Andy's family we draw names. This year my brother-in-law, David, drew my name. I wanted to share with you the gift that he created, which I consider to be one of the most thoughtful gifts I've ever received.

He wrote the poem, chose the pictures, and put them in a beautiful photo collage which will hang in the nursery. I haven't read it yet without crying. I hope you enjoy it too.

On a side note, with the help of Andy's sister who just had her third baby, I registered at Target & Babies R Us today!!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you all!

On the stage comes a dancer

With her own unique style

Forceful and Confident

Unbridled and Free

She moves in a manner

That seems truly Heaven sent

As the first act concludes

The dance is far from complete

So she’ll dance

She’ll dance

She’ll dance

Her luminous dance

But soon there’s a partner

And the dance becomes different

Colored by passion

And Heartache and Heat

So the dancer exists

In an alternate fashion

Two twirling bodies

With one heart and four feet

And they dance

They dance

They dance

Their glorious dance

Blessed with a child

The roles will be shifted

Performers to Teachers

Their new student they lead

To their Heavenly Father

The young dancer is lifted

And the couple soon learns

They must dance on their knees

So they dance

They dance

They dance

Their rapturous dance

Long Overdue Update

For those of you who are checking the blog faithfully, so sorry I’ve been MIA. There has been SO much going on and I’m really excited to catch you up!

So, what has been keeping us so busy? We sold our house! We are moving to Ft. Mill! We’ve been talking about this for a long time (since we do so much in Ft. Mill already)
and finally decided to put the house on the market to see what happened. After a couple of months with minimal action, we wondered if we should take the house off the market and stay. So, we decided to give it till November 10th, and if nothing happened we’d take the house off the market and stay in Rock Hill. Wouldn’t ya know, on November 6th we got a great offer and had a contract the next day. I guess God wants us to move. ☺

We’ve now put a contract on our new house, which we are SO excited about! The crazy thing is, we close on both houses on December 21st! Yeah, it’s going to be a busy month!

As for adoption, we’ve turned in ALL the paperwork except one last questionnaire on transracial adoption and our portfolio. I’ve been working furiously on the portfolio, which I’m actually very happy with. Once we turn the questionnaire and portfolio in and have our office visit at the agency, we’ll be eligible! Let’s just say I’ve been singing in my car a lot more lately and dancing on my tippy toes a lot. ☺ We are very excited about all the upcoming changes.

Our new house has a study connected to the master bedroom, which we plan to use as our nursery. Did you hear that? Our nursery!! It’s been really fun to picture what the nursery will look like, and I’ve been looking at cribs online. That is WAY fun! I can hardly wait to get the nursery done!

I can’t even tell you how happy I am. I thank God for the blessings he’s given us even just this past month. He’s gone WAY beyond our expectations with the new house and has really helped me with some great ideas for the portfolio and…wow, I don’t even think I can name all the blessings. Thank you, God.

The Home Study

The process has begun! Shortly after my conversation with T from CFS, we received a stack of paperwork in the mail. The first thing we had to send in was our permission for the release of our criminal records, including child and sexual abuse records. Along with that, we sent our marriage license, birth certificates, verification of income, payment agreement, autobiographies and directions to our home. Whew! That’s a lot of information, but that’s not even close to the end of it!

Currently we’re working on our financial statement (basically a copy of our budget), insurance information, medical reports on each of us, transracial/transcultural forms, adoptive parent profile, degree of openness, references, and our portfolio. We are also taking an online course on transracial adoption. I think now you can see why a home study takes two months or more to complete!

We are scheduled to have our first home visit from our social worker, H, on Tuesday. I am excited to meet her as we’ve had many pleasant conversations with her over the past couple of months. The home visit makes this all seem so much more real! Woo Hoo! It’s happening!

Boys, you can check out here. ☺ Girls, I have a question for all you scrapbookers out there. Our portfolio is basically a picture story of our lives. I am not into cutsie things like hearts. But, I do want to have some kind of consistency throughout the album to tie it together rather than having just a bunch of random pictures and stories. I know most of you don’t have experience with adoption portfolios, but I thought I’d put a call out for suggestions in case you have any. The agency workers will take a stack of portfolios of waiting families to the birthmother and she will look through them to decide who she wants to parent her child. So, ours needs to stand out in some way if possible.

A Child of Our Own

I’m sure you’ve heard stories or know someone who adopted and then got pregnant right away. Since we’ve started the adoption process, the most common response we get from others is, “I bet you’re going to get pregnant now!” People have been genuinely excited for us to add to our family through adoption, but often the conversation turns to the baby we could possibly have after we adopt.

Since the doctors have found nothing medically wrong with Andy or me, it is easy for me to believe this could happen. All along I’ve thought of infertility as God’s way of getting couples to consider opening their homes and hearts to children who need a mommy and daddy. The incredibly large number of women who have gotten pregnant shortly after adopting supports this idea. But, I can’t allow myself to think that way for several reasons.

1. It might not happen. Maybe that sounds hopeless to you, but it’s a reality that I have faced and must continue to remember throughout this process. There are no guarantees.
2. I don’t want to take the focus or attention off of the baby that God will bring into our family through adoption.
3. I don’t want our adopted child to ever think that he/she is less “ours” than a biological child would be.

I’ve read about families who have both biological and adopted children being approached by acquaintances or strangers who ask, “Now, which ones are yours and which ones are adopted?” Since we are pursuing adoption of an African American or bi-racial child, that question will likely not be necessary for Andy and I. ☺ But, I don’t ever want anyone to think an adopted child would be less “ours” than a biological child would be. And, if God decides to bless us with a biological child, he/she will be considered our second born, loved equally with the first.

Conversations with CFS

So, you wait for 2-3 weeks for a post and then you get 4! Be sure to read the other posts below. All of these things float around in my head everyday, but I don’t always have time to get them down. This post is an update.

In “What’s Happening Now,” I told you that we sent in an application to Christian Family Services in Fort Mill. That was a Monday. On Tuesday I got a call from CFS letting us know that they got our application and were “thrilled” to be working with us! I talked to the administrator of the agency for 40 minutes. We had the most pleasant conversation and hashed through some details so that we can get our homestudy started. It turns out that the director of the agency goes to the parent church that planted our church!

Basically, we’ve expressed an interest in adopting an infant of any race or gender. Because we are willing to adopt an African American or Bi-racial child, we are considered to be pursuing a “special needs” adoption. This lowers our cost and requirements significantly. This also means that we will VERY likely have a baby within one year from the date the homestudy is complete!

The homestudy takes about two months, so it should be completed by the end of November or early December. During that time we will be putting together a portfolio (or scrapbook) about our family. Once we have been proven competent enough to be parents, the agency will begin showing our portfolio to birth moms. The agency will show the portfolios of all adoptive couples who are willing to take the kind of child being born. The birth mom then selects the parents of her child based on what she sees in the portfolios. At that point, the agency calls the adoptive couple selected and describes the expected child. They will explain any medical problems the child may be predisposed to according to family history, the race and gender of the child. The adoptive couple then has 24 hours to pray and make a decision about whether or not this is the child for them.

We requested the social worker that each of us has spoken to on previous occasions to work our case. Last week we were notified that she has accepted our case! She is very kind and helpful, so we are happy that we will get to work with her.

So, this is pretty exciting! I’ve been saying, “Andy, we’re going to be parents!” and “I’m gonna be a mama!” I can’t believe it!!

Allowed to Dream Again

I went to a baby shower the other day for another teacher in my school. I’ve been to many baby showers in my five plus years of infertility, but something was different about this one. I felt different. I sat at a table with some teacher friends of mine. While we snacked on the cake with the little pink baby booties on top I told them that we had begun the adoption process. Some of them had struggled through fertility treatments themselves before getting pregnant, and they were genuinely excited for me. One of them said, “This means we’ll be giving you a baby shower before too long!” What? Me? YES! ME!!

I hadn’t realized how much I had suppressed the pain of infertility until now. Now that there is a pinhole of light coming through the dark cloud of infertility, I can see that I wasn’t as OK with being around pregnant women, babies and children as I thought I was. I fooled even myself into thinking I was OK. Hearing the news of another friend’s pregnancy, going to a baby shower, holding a new baby, watching families together…over the past five years I can hear the voice in my head saying, “I’m OK with this. See. Look at me. I’m not upset in the least! I can handle this!” I had convinced myself. After going to that baby shower last week, I knew I had been lying to myself all this time.

So what was different? Lately, since the adoption process has begun, I’ve caught myself daydreaming again. I can see Andy holding our new baby. I can see myself cuddling and nuzzling a little one, even changing dirty diapers. I think about getting up in the middle of the night and looking like a zombie everyday. As I drive, I imagine a car seat with a crying baby in the back seat. When we go shopping, I try to imagine what it will be like trying to get through the store with a baby. I crave the moments when the baby lights up at the sight of me or the sound of my voice. I dreamed these kinds of dreams when we first started trying, but had to stop after a while. These kinds of thoughts are torturous when you’re not sure if you’ll ever hold your own baby in your arms. Now that we’re involved with an agency, I can allow myself to dream again. And, being around pregnant women, going to baby showers, holding babies, and seeing families together brings me excitement. Because, now I know my day will come too. I’m gonna be a mama!!!

"What do you mean, "She's expecting?'"

At church last Sunday, a precious friend of mine walked up to me and said, “So, I hear you’re expecting.” Then she gave me this sweet smile and hugged me. Two nights before, she had attended a cookout where Andy had shared the news that we have begun the adoption process. She has no idea how much her words meant to me.

I’ve discovered that people don’t really know how to treat someone who is “unable” to have children of their own, someone who is in the process of adopting. How do you talk to someone who is going to raise a baby that didn’t come from her body?

After reading my post “Get In My Belly!” a dear childhood friend of mine (whose mother was adopted) wrote me an e-mail. She prefaced her thoughts by saying that she realized what she was about to say would probably sound crazy, but it didn’t sound crazy to me at all.

When Emilee read where Andy said, “I don’t care about the money anymore. It’s time to move forward [with adoption],” she felt like that was the moment our baby was conceived. She went on to compare our journey of waiting for a child to that of a pregnant woman in waiting for her little one to arrive. Neither an adoptive mom nor a birth mom can see the baby before it’s born. Both wonder what he/she will look like. Both worry about the development of the baby. Both worry about the safety of the baby during delivery. Both prepare for the baby’s arrival. Both worry that they won’t know what to do when they bring baby home. Both experience pain (physical and/or emotional) but when the baby arrives, the pain is forgotten. “The end result is the same—you have a precious baby or child!”

Emilee went on to say, “You many never have a huge belly, but your heart will keep getting bigger and bigger and pretty soon you’ll feel/see things start to move and change—maybe not a significant change, but a little something to let you know it’s on the way. You love that child right now, even though you have no idea who this person is…then you’ll have that first time you ever saw him or her moment.”

It is such a blessing to have friends that think of adoption that way. I’ve read advice from other adoptive parents that say family and friends should treat an adoptive couple as if they are pregnant. We want people to be as excited for us to adopt as they would be if we were pregnant. As the time gets closer and a birth mom selects us to be the parents of her child, and we have a due date, we will be excited to talk about baby showers, strollers, cribs, etc. We’re thankful to have so many supportive people to share the excitement with.

Moses Had Identity Issues

Through my adoption research, one topic that comes up repeatedly is identity. Adoptees (people who have been adopted) struggle for a large part of their lives with knowing who they are. Many adoptees seek out their birth parents at some point to find out what characteristics they got from their birth parents. Some need to find their birthparents to learn about the medical history of those in their bloodline. This is one reason families have turned to open adoption (more on that in a future post).

I have been reading through Exodus in my morning quiet time, and this week it hit me, even Moses had identity issues. Moses is the first known adoptee in the Bible. The people of Israel were slaves in Egypt when Pharaoh demanded that all male babies be put to death as a way of controlling the Israelite population. In order to save her son, Moses’ birth mom put him in a basket and watched her baby float away down the Nile. She sent his older sister to watch after him and see what came of him.

Pharaoh’s daughter who was bathing in the Nile found the baby. Eventually she adopted him as her son. But, after he grew up and saw the oppression of his birth family, Israel, he took pity on them to the point of killing an Egyptian to avenge them. When Pharaoh learned of the murder he sought to kill Moses, so Moses ran from Egypt.

Moses settled in a foreign land and married a girl who was neither Israelite nor Egyptian. He stayed there until God came to him in the burning bush and told him to return to Egypt to free the children of Israel. Moses’ reaction to God’s calling was, “Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the children of Israel out of Egypt?” (Exodus 3:11) Never mind that he is the grandson of Pharaoh born of an Israelite. But what struck me even more was Moses’ question to God in Exodus 6:12 & 30. “How then shall Pharaoh listen to me, for I am of uncircumcised lips?” Moses was insecure about his identity even after God had proven His power through him.

Moses showed signs of having identity issues in many ways: by not knowing which nation of people he should be loyal to, by leaving Egypt (where both his birth and adoptive families were) and marrying a foreigner, by expressing his concern that no one would listen to him because he didn’t belong to either nation of people. But, the beauty in the story is the redemption of Moses.

God chose to use Moses to bring affliction on the nation of Egypt to redeem his people, Israel. (Exodus 7:1) Did God need Moses to do that? No. He had already proven that in Genesis 12:10-20 when He brought affliction and plagues on Egypt (without the use of a man) after an earlier Pharaoh took Sarai as a wife. But, in his mercy and grace, He redeemed Moses and set him above both the Egyptians and the children of Israel. And, his redemption did not end with the Exodus from Egypt. Later, God allowed his commandments to come to His chosen people through Moses. God fully redeemed Moses and made him a respected and revered leader of his people, Israel.

Moses is a biblical example of God’s grace and mercy on adoptees who struggle through identity issues. God’s redemption is greater than we could hope or imagine.

What's Happening Now

So, it’s been over a month since I’ve posted. Thank you all for asking about us and for praying for us. I am always humbled to know that people pray for us; many of you do everyday. You people are amazing!

Honestly, the reason I haven’t posted is because I’ve dreaded saying that nothing has changed. It’s one thing to know that myself, but to say it out loud to everyone else is another thing. BUT, tonight I can say we have made a move!

Things have been incredibly busy, as we knew they would. But, last week I called the Department of Social Services (DSS) and left a message asking about getting a homestudy started. I also called the same social worker (H.B.) that Andy talked to back in August, just to ask her some questions. She was incredibly nice and helpful.

I told her my concerns about independent/private adoption (where you find your own birthmother and go to the lawyer with her to draw up the papers). In many private arrangements, the adoptive couple pays whatever living expenses the birthmother needs: rent, utilities, gas, groceries, medical, etc. Knowing that many of these types of adoptions fall through and that there is a possibility for adoption fraud (the birthmother needs someone to pay her bills and makes an adoption plan knowing all along that she doesn’t plan to finalize), we have not progressed for fear that we would not be able to move ahead after an “interrupted” adoption. H.B. asked if we had thought about an agency adoption. I told her we’d thought about Christian Family Services (CFS) in Ft. Mill. She said they had a great reputation. She said that part of their ministry was to pay the living expenses for the birthmothers and only expect reimbursement from the adoptive couple upon finalization of the adoption. So, we would not be expected to pay living expenses up front, nor would be have to pay in the case of an interrupted adoption. That’s very helpful information!

After four days of no response from DSS, I called again. The number at which I left a message earlier in the week had been disconnected. I found it odd that the phone number of a government agency would be disconnected.

We’ve talked a lot about whether we need to do a State adoption of a special needs child. Neither of us has felt a “calling” in that direction. We’re open to it. We’ve prayed about it. But, we’ve had no inclination that we definitely need to pursue it. Christian Family Services places mostly infants, but on occasion they place older children and children with special needs as well. So, we figured if we go through them, we would still have all of our options open should God speak to us about that in the process.

Then there’s Guatemala. About a month ago a lady who went on the mission trip with us called to tell me that the director of the ministry in Guatemala bought an orphanage. My heart fluttered. It took me back to the Marriott where all the gringos were with their Guatemalan babies. As it turns out, there are 27 infants under the age of one at the orphanage.

So, Friday night Andy and I filled out an application for CFS. We expressed interest in doing a domestic and international homestudy. We said we were willing to adopt a “special needs” child (which could be a child of a minority race, an older child, or a child with other special needs) from our own country or another country. We’ve left all of our options open. We put the stamp on it tonight!

And They're Stepping Out Onto The Tightrope...

Teachers in Rock Hill went back to school on Wednesday. Summer’s over! The kids are coming back, ready or not! People always ask, “are you ready?” My answer is always the same, “I will be when the kids get here next week.” That’s my favorite part. They’re excited, refreshed and ready to learn at the beginning of the year. I’m always happy to see how much they’ve grown over the summer and hear their fun summer stories.

For the past several years, during the work week, I have worked from 7:30 AM to about 5:30 PM, then I would go home and help with dinner, then clean up, then get ready for the next day, and by then it would be time for bed. So, this summer I decided not to work so that I could accomplish several things before the next busy school year started up. Item number one on my to do list this summer? Adoption. At least to get the process started, at least to have called a social worker.

But, the research alone took all summer. Then, at the end of summer things just got too busy. We went to Guatemala and the day after we got back, Andy started seminary (yeah!). So, the closer the end of summer got, the less hope I had that anything would ever happen. I knew that once school started back I wouldn’t have time for anything else.

During his seminary class, Andy didn’t have a lot of time to talk because he was studying for hours every night. He didn’t have time to help with things around the house either, so by the weekend after his first week of class I hadn’t done the dishes all week. I had been sleeping on and off throughout the day. There were clothes in the washing machine from Tuesday to Saturday that had actually started to stink. There were two days I didn’t even shower. I had started slipping into depression.

By talking to Andy about my week, I started to realize my lack of hope. Everything I said was negative. I couldn’t even make myself imagine that adoption would ever happen for us. As I talked through it, I began to realize it was because I had imposed a deadline on myself. I had told myself that it would never work if I had to balance work, church, friends and family, and adoption.

Andy was great. He promised that when his three-week intensive Greek class was over he would be fully available to help. He also prayed for me. In his prayer he asked that God would help me to be satisfied in Him, that I would seek Him first. That made me think. Hum, I hadn’t been doing that, at least not for a while.

The next day, Sunday, all the music at church was about loving God just for who He is. “Turn your eyes upon Jesus. Look full in his wonderful face, and the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace.” Then, at a training class I went to that afternoon, the message I got was, "pursue Him with the intensity that you pursue the things you really want." I realized that besides imposing an unreasonable deadline on myself, I have also been ignoring my relationship with God. In fact, I had replaced my time hanging out with Him with adoption research. I feel so confident that adoption is what He wants us to do that I began to pursue that and figured it was OK since He was calling us to do it. In a sense, adoption had become my God. But, I realized quickly that pursuing God is totally different than pursuing His calling on your life.

I revived my prayer time and time in the word that night, and God has been faithful. Starting my days that way has helped me focus on Him instead of adoption and the fact that it hasn’t happened yet. I’ve also been able to let go of the deadline and realize that adoption doesn’t have to be so urgent. It’s going to happen. I’ve just got to take it day by day. I’ll do what I can in one day and do some more the next day. Eventually it will happen.

So, we’re asking that you pray that we’ll be able to walk the tightrope of our lives, to find balance. Between full time jobs, Andy’s seminary, church, family and friends, after school clubs, etc. it’s going to be a challenge. But, I have renewed hope and faith that it will happen. We’ve waited five years; we can wait a few more months. ☺ And, Andy has also held true to his promise. He talked to a social worker this week!

"Get In My Belly!"

Guatemala...ahhh. Our time in Guatemala was...I don't even have the vocabulary to explain my feelings. It was more than we could have ever hoped for or expected. We stayed in Chichicastenango, but we worked in the rural areas outside the city. According to Ron, the founder and director of Manos de Jesus (Hands of Jesus), it is the second poorest area in the Western Hemisphere. But, you would never know it by the kids’ smiles. These kids played and laughed in a language that we could all understand. Some of them struck me in such a way that all I could think was “get in my belly.” (That’s a line from Austin Powers, for those of you who are like, “What?” For those of you who’ve seen it, say it with a strong Scottish accent for better effect.) ☺

I’ve wrestled with a lot of things as a result of this trip, but I’ll only talk about the ones that have affected us regarding adoption. One night during our stay in the House of Prayer, the compound for Manos de Jesus, Ron gave his testimony. Throughout his life he’s been in positions where he didn’t have money for something he felt called to do. But without fail, just when he needed it, God provided. I’ve heard so many stories about people who “stepped out on faith” to do something God had “called” them to do, and in a miraculous way, He provided.

For the past several weeks I’ve been weary, feeling like we’re ready to adopt but can’t because we don’t have all the money it’s going to take saved yet; so close yet so far away. It’s been depressing, actually. But, Sunday was the hardest day I’ve had in…years, maybe.

A new team was coming to stay at the House of Prayer Saturday, but we weren’t flying out until Sunday. So, we HAD to stay at the Marriott in Guatemala City. Stinks to be us, right? ☺ It was extravagant. But, that’s not what struck me most. It appears that the Marriott is the hub for “gringos” (white people) adopting Guatemalan babies. They even have a Baby Lounge. Everywhere you turned there were gringos smiling dreamily as they fed their Guatemalan babies that had just joined their family that day or the day before. Some of them were even video taping their new baby/child eating. It was beautiful, and yet my stomach churned at the sight of it. I have been waiting five years to feel like that.

Sunday morning I was particularly emotional. Not only were we leaving Guatemala where so many great things happened, but also the feeling that adoption is so far away was right there in my face. I was so emotional I couldn’t even finish my breakfast! If you know me, you know that’s VERY unusual considering how much I LOVE to eat! Then…oh boy, here it comes…then we had a worship service. We met by the pool (where all the gringos were playing with the new babies). The message was about Zachariah and Elizabeth (Luke 1) who were barren. Need I say more? Just go read it. You’ll see. Immediately, Andy put his bible down and hugged me. I put my bible in front of my face and the tears started rolling. My insides were shaking. Out of the sides of my eyes I could see others who knew of our situation who were crying too. They lined up for hugs afterwards.

I went to our room and sobbed for a while. It felt better to get it out. At that moment Andy said, “I don’t care about the money anymore. It’s time to move forward.”

Since we’ve been home I’ve been looking into grants. All of them say you can’t apply until you have completed your home study. Andy called a social worker before we left to get one started, but we haven’t heard back from her, so we’re going to call another one soon. I guess we’re just realizing that we’re not going to have all the money saved before we begin this process and that’s OK. We don’t know how God’s going to provide, but we feel we’re called to this, so we’re going to step out on faith and trust that He will. It should be fun to watch and see how God provides. This way He can have all the glory since everyone will know that we’re not the ones who made this happen! That’s good stuff!

"Racism is a Reality"

…I guess I’ve just been blind to it all these years. Within my circle of family, friends and acquaintances no one has ever given me the impression that he/she believes that his/her race is superior over any other. As far as I could tell, racism was a thing of the past. God created all men in his image and offers forgiveness of sins to each one without regard to skin color. But, somehow I’ve been blind to the fact that as a society, we still segregate ourselves.

During my research on transracial adoption these words stopped me in my tracks, “racism is a reality.” I had to stop and think back over past experiences to see if there had been any proof in my life that this statement is true. I mean, I’ve always noticed that most friend groups are people of the same color. I remember wanting to leave high school early one day because there was a threat of a racial fight, but none of my friends were involved. I’ve seen racism on TV and heard stories, but they were all at a comfortable distance from me. I mean, my first roommate was black and we were alike in so many ways. We used to joke that we were the same person living in different bodies. But, apparently everyone doesn’t feel the way we do, especially in the south.

In my research I’ve heard and read stories about white adoptive couples out in public with their adopted children of another race when some opinionated bystander boldly spoke out against the union of a transracial family. On some occasions these families had to move north to protect their children from an emotional ambush.

When I teach, I notice that kids usually aren’t aware of their differences until around second grade. I always wonder what makes them aware. Is it their parents? Is it simply their own observations of how people tend to group themselves in society or is it color itself? Either way, I wish we could always have a kindergarten or first grade mentality when it comes to skin color.

As I mentioned in a previous post, when I teach I have to be careful not to favor my little black boys. I love them. They know that, so they love me. I am intrigued by their culture and energy. When we do hip-hop, they can’t believe a white girl can move like that. They say, “Yo, Ms. C, that was tight! Teach me, teach me!”

Long before I was married I used to joke that one day I would have a black son. I would let him have a fro or cornrows or dreads if he wanted. He and I would do hip-hop together. My friends and family have always known this about me, and no one has ever made me feel that it would be inappropriate. But, as I’m researching a world outside of my comfort zone, I’m finding out that there’s still a lot of animosity over the color of skin.

In the 70s, the National Association of Black Social Workers (NABSW) started a movement against placing black children in white homes. Still today, they consider it “black cultural genocide.” The problem with this is, while there are fewer African-American newborns available for adoption than Caucasian newborns, there are also fewer couples seeking to adopt African-American children. When they put a freeze on transracial adoptions, these children got stuck in the foster care system. Fortunately, in the 90s, laws were passed stating that race could no longer be a roadblock if it delayed placement. (“The Complete Adoption Book” pg 299-301) Interestingly enough, however, I’ve learned that in 2005 The South Carolina Department of Social Services was found guilty of denying white families the option of adopting black children. Hopefully this has changed since the investigation was made public.

Besides the fact that our children will grow up in a racist society, there are other things to think about when considering transracial adoption which I will talk more about in two weeks. Next week we will be in Guatemala for our first mission trip! Too bad international adoptions to Guatemala have been shaky lately or we could have brought a baby back! ☺

Next Post: 8/2/2007

The Quest for Happiness

At different times in my life it has been obvious to me that God was trying to pound a message into my head and heart. I’ve noticed a recurring theme this summer that makes me believe I have a new lesson to learn. The message has come to me through books, sermons, conversations with others and revelation. The message is two-fold: it is unreasonable to think that perfection will be achieved before heaven, and God is not a genie.

I’m reading a book called “Shattered Dreams” by Larry Crabb. In it, he suggests that our life goal is to be happy. He then goes on to discuss the types of things many of us might expect to make us happy: personal health and health for our family, enough money to be comfortable, obedient children, etc. All are good things. We’re not asking for frivolous, material possessions. We pray for these things. We feel that having these things is what God meant when he promised us abundant life (John 10:10). If God grants them to us, we are happy. If He doesn’t, we are confused, troubled, and even angry. Crabb points out that perfection is not guaranteed until heaven. He argues that “abundant life” is a deep and meaningful relationship with God that can only be realized through suffering and the denial of earthly perfection.

Later in the book, Crabb talks about Christians who pray for these blessings and when their prayers aren’t answered they determine that God is teaching them patience (or some other lesson). They believe that God will grant them their wish in His time. It is never an option in their minds that He wouldn’t give them what they want. Isn’t that what He meant when He said He would give us the desires of our heart (Psalm 37:4)? If He doesn’t give it right away, they believe that God will eventually give them what they’ve asked, and not only that, but it will be even better because they had to wait for it. They hold on to hope and faith as long as God grants them what they ask in the time frame they deem appropriate. Crabb believes this way of praying equates God with a genie. He says that at some point in our lives God denies us something we want which brings us to a place of suffering and weakness so that we realize our helplessness and need for Him. The premise of the book is that God wants to give us a gift greater than any earthly gift we could imagine: Himself.

When I read that, I had to put the book down. I was immediately convicted. That was me exactly! All this time I’ve thought that since God hadn’t given me a child, that when He finally did, everything would be perfect! The child will love and serve the Lord all the days of his life and we will live happily ever after. I guess I thought that He owed me that since He made me wait. I had suffered! I repented immediately for thinking that God owes me anything.

I realized that I’ve had unreasonable expectations for a perfect life and family all this time. Again, I was romanticizing things and setting myself up for disappointment down the road, because nothing can be perfect in a fallen world. But, by realizing that the ultimate goal is a deeper, more meaningful relationship with God, it may be easier to accept when things are challenging.

Learning this lesson has had a profound effect on our prayers for a child. We are no longer praying for a perfect child—there isn’t one out there. But, there is one perfect for us, one that God will equip us to care for. As we’re seeking the route we need to go to get to this child, we’ve been researching all types of adoption, including special needs adoption. We’d stayed away from thinking about this because we know of many families who have struggled in profound ways with children who have special needs. Frankly, it’s scary to step into something knowing there’s no chance for perfection. But, there are no guarantees that a biological child wouldn’t also have special needs.

God did not adopt perfect children. He saved us in spite of our imperfection (Romans 5:8). We wonder, if everybody seeks to adopt the “perfect” child, what happens to the thousands in state agencies? We’re asking God to guide us if our child is in the care of the State. Maybe he/she will have a broken body, maybe a broken mind or heart. We don’t know if this is the route God would have us take, but at least He's opened our hearts to it in case He chooses to lead us there.

Next Post: 7/19/2007

The Baby Market

Last year when we were first getting excited about the thought of adopting, Andy called a local adoption attorney in hopes of getting some advice. Our call may have been a little premature. The attorney asked, “How much research have you done?” When he found out we hadn’t really done any, he took our number and told us he’d call back. He never did. Andy called the office again and talked to an office assistant who asked questions about our intentions and plans, but we didn’t have the answers. She kindly gave him some advice on what our next steps should be. As it turns out, attorneys and agencies won’t invest time in you unless you’ve invested enough time to prove that you are serious about adoption. It was obvious that we had some research to do.

A friend recommended that we read, “The Complete Adoption Book” by Laura Beauvais-Godwin & Raymond Godwin (which I highly recommend). Ray is an adoption attorney in Greenville, SC. He and his wife have adopted two children. The book has 387 pages that pertain to almost everybody interested in adoption and the remaining 303 pages are indexes with State Laws and such. I bought the book during the school year but only had time to read about one page per night. I was getting nowhere. That’s why I decided not to work this summer. After spending several half days reading at Panera and Sweetreats coffee shops, I have now read every section of the book that pertains to us! And I’m happy to say that with a generous financial gift from some friends who have heard us talk about adoption for so long without having made any strides, we are excited to say that we plan to start the home study process by the end of the summer! So, why not today? Why put it off till then? We need your prayers in regard to some decisions that we need to make.

As I have been going through the book, doing research online, and bouncing thoughts off Andy, we have come to realize there is no way we can get to the child that God has planned for us without the guidance of the Holy Spirit. We’ve never really questioned whether we would adopt domestic or international. International adoptions are incredibly expensive and we’ve had such a heart for kids in our own area, so we’ve planned a domestic adoption all along. Besides that, there are so many avenues we could go: agency adoption, independent adoption, or State adoption. Then there’s open or closed adoption. Not only that, but once we’ve decided the type of adoption we also have to decide the “type” of child.

Some of the first questions we’ll have to answer for whatever attorney or agency we pursue is: What race of child do we want? Do we want a child with special needs? What age child are we willing to adopt? None of our research gave us the answers to these questions. In reality, we know it’s not about what WE want, what worked or didn’t work for someone else, or what is most logical. God doesn’t always work on our logic.

Picking out the “type” of child feels a lot like shopping, but not the fun kind of shopping. Believe it or not, there are different prices for children of different races, genders, and special needs. Some children are more expensive than a car. On the other hand, the government will actually pay you to take some children. I have to admit, I got nauseous when I read this section of the book.

I know that some people want to adopt a child that looks like them so that it won’t be so obvious he/she was adopted. We don’t feel that way. We’re open to children of all races. Pretty much anybody who’s ever talked to me knows that I have always had a heart for little black boys. In fact, I have to be careful not to favor them when I teach. But, we want to be sensitive to the needs of the child and the only way we can know what’s right is for God to guide us. We’re also praying through whether or not special needs adoption is right for us (more on that next week). We’ve always thought we’d adopt an infant, but if God wanted us to adopt an older child, we are open to that too.

You can see we need some answers before we take our next steps. Please pray that God will give us guidance as we continue in this process. Many of you have been praying for this for a while. Thank you. We are grateful for your love for us and are happy to share this with you.

Psalm 25:4-5
4 Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths; 5 guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long.

Next Post: 7/5/2007

Adoption is Sacrifice

On a road trip last year, while I slept, Andy listened to a sermon by Pastor Mark Driscoll of Mars Hill Church in Seattle (www.marshillchurch.org). In the sermon, Driscoll talked about how the early Christians would go to the trash piles and fish out the live babies that people had thrown out, take them home and raise them as their own.

After I woke up, Andy said, “I think we should adopt.”

I said, “I’ve been thinking the same thing.”

After more than four years of trying to conceive unsuccessfully, I had gotten comfortable with our lifestyle. I enjoyed the fact that I could take a nap on Sunday afternoon if I wanted. We could be spontaneous. We could hang out with our friends anytime we wanted without interruption. We could travel easily. Basically we had developed a pattern of doing what we wanted when we wanted, and it was comfortable.

What struck me about the Christians mentioned in the sermon was that they assumed the responsibility of parenthood without hesitation. They didn’t give any thought to whether or not they had the space, the money, or the time. They just did it because…how could they not?

Admittedly, over the next year as we further discussed adoption, I wavered back and forth between wanting to hold on to my freedom and wanting a baby. Knowing the sacrifice it would take to be a parent made it easy to sit back, motionless. When you get pregnant, you don’t have that option. The baby is coming in nine months, ready or not! The sacrifice is the same; the urgency is different. When parenting is a choice, it’s easy for selfishness to creep in and slow the process.

After listening to the sermon, Andy began to see adoption as central to Christianity throughout history. As the article I mentioned in the previous post said, adoption is a “metaphor for God adopting each of us into his own family…and ‘it’s a sweeter way to understand His kingdom.’” Adoption is love. Adoption is sacrifice. Adoption is laying down your life for another. God gladly adopted us as his children to be co-heirs with Christ. (Ephesians 1:5, Romans 8:16-17) I pray that we will take on the sacrificial attitude of the early Christians and pursue adoption selflessly as we feel God has called us to.

Next Post: 6/28/2007