Allowed to Dream Again

I went to a baby shower the other day for another teacher in my school. I’ve been to many baby showers in my five plus years of infertility, but something was different about this one. I felt different. I sat at a table with some teacher friends of mine. While we snacked on the cake with the little pink baby booties on top I told them that we had begun the adoption process. Some of them had struggled through fertility treatments themselves before getting pregnant, and they were genuinely excited for me. One of them said, “This means we’ll be giving you a baby shower before too long!” What? Me? YES! ME!!

I hadn’t realized how much I had suppressed the pain of infertility until now. Now that there is a pinhole of light coming through the dark cloud of infertility, I can see that I wasn’t as OK with being around pregnant women, babies and children as I thought I was. I fooled even myself into thinking I was OK. Hearing the news of another friend’s pregnancy, going to a baby shower, holding a new baby, watching families together…over the past five years I can hear the voice in my head saying, “I’m OK with this. See. Look at me. I’m not upset in the least! I can handle this!” I had convinced myself. After going to that baby shower last week, I knew I had been lying to myself all this time.

So what was different? Lately, since the adoption process has begun, I’ve caught myself daydreaming again. I can see Andy holding our new baby. I can see myself cuddling and nuzzling a little one, even changing dirty diapers. I think about getting up in the middle of the night and looking like a zombie everyday. As I drive, I imagine a car seat with a crying baby in the back seat. When we go shopping, I try to imagine what it will be like trying to get through the store with a baby. I crave the moments when the baby lights up at the sight of me or the sound of my voice. I dreamed these kinds of dreams when we first started trying, but had to stop after a while. These kinds of thoughts are torturous when you’re not sure if you’ll ever hold your own baby in your arms. Now that we’re involved with an agency, I can allow myself to dream again. And, being around pregnant women, going to baby showers, holding babies, and seeing families together brings me excitement. Because, now I know my day will come too. I’m gonna be a mama!!!