Saturday, August 18, 2007

And They're Stepping Out Onto The Tightrope...

Teachers in Rock Hill went back to school on Wednesday. Summer’s over! The kids are coming back, ready or not! People always ask, “are you ready?” My answer is always the same, “I will be when the kids get here next week.” That’s my favorite part. They’re excited, refreshed and ready to learn at the beginning of the year. I’m always happy to see how much they’ve grown over the summer and hear their fun summer stories.

For the past several years, during the work week, I have worked from 7:30 AM to about 5:30 PM, then I would go home and help with dinner, then clean up, then get ready for the next day, and by then it would be time for bed. So, this summer I decided not to work so that I could accomplish several things before the next busy school year started up. Item number one on my to do list this summer? Adoption. At least to get the process started, at least to have called a social worker.

But, the research alone took all summer. Then, at the end of summer things just got too busy. We went to Guatemala and the day after we got back, Andy started seminary (yeah!). So, the closer the end of summer got, the less hope I had that anything would ever happen. I knew that once school started back I wouldn’t have time for anything else.

During his seminary class, Andy didn’t have a lot of time to talk because he was studying for hours every night. He didn’t have time to help with things around the house either, so by the weekend after his first week of class I hadn’t done the dishes all week. I had been sleeping on and off throughout the day. There were clothes in the washing machine from Tuesday to Saturday that had actually started to stink. There were two days I didn’t even shower. I had started slipping into depression.

By talking to Andy about my week, I started to realize my lack of hope. Everything I said was negative. I couldn’t even make myself imagine that adoption would ever happen for us. As I talked through it, I began to realize it was because I had imposed a deadline on myself. I had told myself that it would never work if I had to balance work, church, friends and family, and adoption.

Andy was great. He promised that when his three-week intensive Greek class was over he would be fully available to help. He also prayed for me. In his prayer he asked that God would help me to be satisfied in Him, that I would seek Him first. That made me think. Hum, I hadn’t been doing that, at least not for a while.

The next day, Sunday, all the music at church was about loving God just for who He is. “Turn your eyes upon Jesus. Look full in his wonderful face, and the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace.” Then, at a training class I went to that afternoon, the message I got was, "pursue Him with the intensity that you pursue the things you really want." I realized that besides imposing an unreasonable deadline on myself, I have also been ignoring my relationship with God. In fact, I had replaced my time hanging out with Him with adoption research. I feel so confident that adoption is what He wants us to do that I began to pursue that and figured it was OK since He was calling us to do it. In a sense, adoption had become my God. But, I realized quickly that pursuing God is totally different than pursuing His calling on your life.

I revived my prayer time and time in the word that night, and God has been faithful. Starting my days that way has helped me focus on Him instead of adoption and the fact that it hasn’t happened yet. I’ve also been able to let go of the deadline and realize that adoption doesn’t have to be so urgent. It’s going to happen. I’ve just got to take it day by day. I’ll do what I can in one day and do some more the next day. Eventually it will happen.

So, we’re asking that you pray that we’ll be able to walk the tightrope of our lives, to find balance. Between full time jobs, Andy’s seminary, church, family and friends, after school clubs, etc. it’s going to be a challenge. But, I have renewed hope and faith that it will happen. We’ve waited five years; we can wait a few more months. ☺ And, Andy has also held true to his promise. He talked to a social worker this week!

1 comment:

Jennifer said...

I love when God speaks to us by speaking to others! Thank you for sharing your heart and your life. So many times you'll say something in these posts that God has taught you and not only does it show how beautifully God is working in your life, but in turn it teaches me- that's some good stuff!
I know this whole process has been hard for you to say the least. I've come to believe that God only allows us to experience hardship when He has something greater to give to us. He loves you! Rest in that love and the fact that you know He is in control. I have no doubt that when the time is right, you will have the child that He means you to have.
I love you!