Thursday, March 22, 2007

How Much Is That Doggie In The Window?

Before I post my next entry, I want to thank you for reading each week. Just know that this is NOT the end of the story! This blog has a different format than most blogs because the thoughts you are reading are not my current thoughts. I have already written all of the entries (which is why I posted the Index at the beginning), I just haven't posted them all yet. I encourage you to read this blog as if you're reading a story, understanding that it's a process of thought stretching over several years. Each new post is like a new chapter of the story. You will not get to read my current thoughts and feelings on these issues for another 17 entries. Thanks for walking down this path with me, encouraging me, and being so understanding.

Now for today's entry...

When you’re planning to grow your family, you start considering the child in all decisions.
• We were hoping to be in a situation where I could stay home once the baby was born, so Andy was considering taking on an additional part time job.
• We hoped to get a mini-van to make travel easier. We planned to get Andy’s parents’ van when they got their new car.
• We weren’t sure we could commit to a cruise with Andy’s family the next year because I might be pregnant or have an infant.

When you start thinking like this on a daily basis, your paternal instincts kick into high gear. You love things that are cute and little. You walk through the baby clothes sections of stores. You get excited to see and hold babies, kittens, puppies. You desire to nest and nurture. The desire is unsatisfied month after month. So, you find a substitute.

Just before we started trying to get pregnant we got a puppy. We have as many pictures of our dog as most people do of their first child! It helped for us to take care of him and satisfy the needs of a living being that couldn’t care for itself. Some people pour themselves into their animal(s); some make themselves busy with work, friends, or even church…anything to satisfy this hole in their lives. A substitute can certainly distract you for a while, but it will never fill the gap.

I started to realize how big this gap was and that there was a chance it might never be filled. I started to ask myself, what if I never have a baby? Would I be OK if it were just God, Andy, and me for the rest of our lives? Shouldn’t I let God fill that gap?

Next Post: 3/27/07


Emilee said...

That last comment you made about letting God fill the gap gave me chillbumps. It made me think of the song that Leslie & Kevin sing...He could be a mother, a father or a friend, and on Him I can always depend, for I know whatever I need THAT'S JUST WHAT HE IS. Sorry I don't remember all of it :)

Andrea said...

Thank you for being so brave and kind to share your thoughts/feelings, and amazing story. I love reading your blog, although it does make me miss you even more!