OK, I'll Say It...

…no we haven’t heard anything from the agency.  No, we don’t have a match yet.  There.  I said it.  Now I can move on.

I have avoided blogging for the past couple of months because I SO wanted my next post to be news about our baby.  But, now too much time has passed, and people are going to stop checking if I don’t write something.

I’ve heard so many adoptive moms talk about what they call “emotional labor”.  Adoptive moms don’t have the physical pain of carrying and delivering a child, but our hearts ache deeply as we wait for the child we have prayed for for so long.  I’ve definitely been experiencing that.  Even though we KNOW that God is going to give us the child He has chosen for us at the perfect time, we still long for our child in such a real way that we can almost feel him/her in our arms at times.  We stand and look at our nursery stocked with all the things we need to care for a baby and imagine what life will be like when he/she is here.  It’s both exciting and excruciating.

For some women, infertility is the hardest experience of their lives.  For me, waiting for our adopted child is much harder than all of my years of infertility combined.  I think it’s because having a child biologically is not ULTIMATE for me.  What IS ultimate for me is being a mom.  Honestly, at this point I don’t think I would feel a tremendous loss if I never birthed a child.  As my friend (who is also an adoptive mom with no biological children) says, “God just had a different plan for how I would get my children.  They are no less mine than if I gave birth to them.  And, if I had given birth to children, I think it would have been these exact two children.” 

For many women, giving birth is ultimate.  I can usually tell who they are because when I talk to them about our adoption the conversations inevitably end with their encouraging me to keep the faith that I’ll have a baby “of my own” one day.  I can’t explain why God has made me OK with infertility, but I’m thankful He has.

The pain of waiting for our child is magnified with Mother’s Day approaching.  If you’ve been following the blog for a while, you have heard me say how hard Mother’s Day is for “infertile” women.  It is especially hard for women who go to church on Mother’s Day.  Typically churches have a ceremony or some kind of treat for mothers—and they should!  Mothers need to be recognized for what they do.  It is a rewarding and beautiful thing to sacrifice and serve others on a daily basis.  I can’t wait to be included in that!

This year, Andy offered to take me away somewhere for Mother’s Day.  But, I thank God that I don’t feel that is necessary this year.  Three or four of our close friends are having their new babies baptized on Mother’s Day, and I want to be there for that.  I dream of the day we have our little one baptized as a symbol of our recognition that this child belongs to God, not us, and we are committed to raising him/her with that in mind.  Part of infant baptism is a charge to the congregation to support the parents and help raise the child(ren) in a covenant community of believers.  I want to be there to make that promise to my friends.

One of the most beautiful things about our church family is that they long for this child to join the family almost as intensely as we do!  I could mention our pending adoption to almost any woman at church at any given moment and the water works begin.   They hurt for us and are excited for us.  It is such a beautiful picture of 1 Corinthians 12:26.  I know that if I’m having a hard time on Mother’s Day, church is where I want to be!  If I cry, it’s OK because I know they are going to love on me so hard that I will be comforted and reminded of God’s love and promises.  And I know Andy will love on me too.  I told him that it would help me this year (as we’re closer to getting our baby than we’ve been in the past six years) that it would help if he treated me like a mother and reminded me throughout the day that I AM going to be a mother soon.  Thinking of it that way makes me a little excited about Mother’s Day.  Who knows…I may be eight months “pregnant” right now and just don’t know it yet!

iVoy a Guatemala!

Translation:  I’m going to Guatemala!!  I am so excited I can hardly stand it!  I’ve wanted to go again all along, but my number one priority this year is getting my baby.  So, I put myself on the alternate list so that I could avoid having to contact my supporters (in the case that we got our baby and I couldn’t go) and say, “Oh, well…I’m not going now.  I’m going to give your money to the other missionaries.  I hope you don’t mind.”  Well, two weeks ago a team member had to drop out, so I got moved from the alternate list to the official list of team members!  Of course, we could still get our baby before July 5^th, in which case I wouldn’t be going to Guatemala, but at this point I’m planning on going.

Guatemala is significant to me for many reasons.  Most notably, it is where we were last year when we decided we were going to step out on faith and pursue this dream of adoption.  You can read about my life changing experiences there last year in my August 2007 post titled, “Get In My Belly!”

There’s a new Cuban restaurant in Rock Hill called Carlos Café.  Andy and I went there a couple of months before I knew I’d be going to Guatemala this year.  Plantains and rice with black beans, two very common sides in Guatemala, were served with the entrees.  As I was eating, I got so emotional I almost lost my appetite (but it was too good to stop eating!).  I wanted to go to Guatemala so badly!  I avoided Carlos for a while because I didn’t want to think about it.  Now I can go enjoy it again!

This year, our team will be staying in an orphanage that Pray America (aka Manos de Jesus) recently purchased.  Our church has been asked to build the chapel that will overlook the orphanage, which is nestled in a mountainside in Chichicastenango, Guatemala.  (See details of the plan on their website, http://www.prayamerica.org.)  Are you kidding me?  I get to stay in an orphanage where God will work to bring families together?!  What an incredible blessing!  I know it’s going to make my heart overflow and tear it out all at the same time.  I pray that one day soon Guatemalan adoptions stabilize so that, if it’s God’s plan, we can adopt from Guatemala too.

Andy and I, along with thirteen other team members, will be leaving July 5^th and returning July 12^th.  A second team of 16 will be going the following week.  We will be building one-room houses for widows (most are single moms), building the chapel, and participating in feeding programs.  The cost of the houses has gone up (as you might expect with the economy) to $1250 each.  (Yeah…I know…think of what we pay for houses in America!  It’s incredibly humbling.)  Each team member is responsible for raising the funds to pay for the plane ticket, food, lodging, and transportation while in Chichi (about $1300 each).  On top of that, we raise as much as we can to pay for the houses we will build.  Last year our teams built 10 houses in one week!

If you would like to participate by making a tax-deductible donation to support the mission, please send checks made out to:

Eternal Presbyterian Church

P.O. Box 1509

Fort Mill, SC  29716

Please write “Guatemala Mission Trip:  Crissinger” in the memo line.

I’ll definitely post pictures!  Here is one from last year.

Curtain Call

I have been dancing since I was three years old.  I have had around a hundred curtain calls in my life.  But, this one will be the hardest.

I broke the news to my faculty last week that I will not be returning next year.  After eight years of teaching dance in public elementary schools, it is time for a change.  Next year, I plan to spend every possible moment with our baby.  I want to cherish every second with this precious child God will entrust to us.  And, everybody says it goes SO fast!

Andy and I have talked about this for years.  When he was struggling through teaching high school, we used to joke that he would be a stay at home dad.  At that time, I couldn’t imagine leaving my job.  I loved it!  Over the past several years, God has changed our situation and our hearts.  Andy now loves his job.  And, while I still love mine too, I love the idea of being with my baby more.

I have been in an ideal teaching situation for the past five years.  Many dance teachers have to travel between multiple schools or teach in less than satisfactory facilities.  I have my own dance studio at one school with a sprung floor.  I work with an AMAZING staff who will do whatever it takes to help children learn.  On top of that, I absolutely LOVE and adore my students.  All of them.  Every last one of them.  Thinking of leaving them hurts me.  Over the years, I have proven to them that I love them no matter what, so they love me too.  There is nothing more rewarding than seeing a troubled and distant kid start to respond to you and even go out of his/her way to please you.  It’s even better when that positive attitude starts to spread to other areas and relationships in his/her life.  We all respond to love.  1 John 4:19.  I want to love my child like that.

Since the beginning of this school year, we’ve been talking about whether or not I should sign another contract for next year.  The only thing that ever gave us a moment’s hesitation was fear; fear of change.  While I wrestled with certain aspects of not teaching next year, there was never really a doubt in my mind what I would do.

When I told my principal that I wouldn’t be back next year, she said the most wonderful thing.  “If all parents invested in their children as much and you and Andy will invest in yours, our job would be easy.  You are going to be wonderful parents.”  Her words, and the encouraging words of so many others who stayed home with their young children, confirmed that our decision was right for us.  They said things like, “This is the best decision you will ever make.  You will never regret it.”  Besides that, it’s a good year for me to leave and a new dance teacher to come in because half of our students are being rezoned to a new elementary school next year and our school is getting a new principal.  This will make it much easier for a new teacher.  Hopefully she won’t hear things like “The other dance teacher did it like this…” and she will be free to create her own program.

Will it be hard?  Yes, of course.  I will miss seeing the kids and staff everyday, and I will need to find some way to supplement our income.  But, it would also be hard to keep doing what I’m doing and try to be a mom.  The thought of that kills me!  I already get up at 5 am and don’t go to bed until at least 11 pm.  Trying to get ready for school, take care of a baby, drop him/her off at daycare, exhausting myself physically and emotionally through teaching, getting home at 5ish with nothing left to give, dealing with dinner and dishes, putting the baby down, doing whatever work I need to for school or life and then dying at the end of the night does not sound appealing or healthy to me AT ALL!  At the end of the day, I would feel like someone else is raising my kid and I only got to spend a couple of hours with him/her, all while trying to tend to other family business, exhausted!  I know that the benefits of being with my child will far outweigh the challenges.

Something about a simpler life appeals to us so much.  For those of you who don’t know, Andy is the cook at our house.  He is forever cleaning or fixing something (reminds me of my dad).  He does so much around here.  I have certain things that I take care of at home, but I always feel like he does more than me.  I am definitely spoiled!  I look forward to being able to help Andy more around the house.  If he didn’t have to do so much after he gets off work each day, he would have much less stress and be able to spend more time with me and our kids.  I know it’s not as easy as it sounds, but we’re willing to work at it.

Andy and I are no strangers to cutting corners.  Granted, it’s been a while and God has blessed us, our first year of marriage I was a first year teacher and Andy was in graduate school.  In case you’re into math, you’ll find there was not a lot left at the end of the month.  I didn’t buy myself a single article of clothing for the first two years of our marriage.  We wouldn’t even buy gum because that was something we didn’t NEED.  But, God provided in amazing ways, and we grew as a result of that time.  We may be going back to our days of Ramen and peanut butter sandwiches, but we feel it will be worth it, and we know that God is our ultimate provider. 

We’ve looked at the numbers, and if I worked, the majority of my paycheck would go to daycare.  In that case, I’m not only missing time with my child(ren) while someone else is influencing them, I’m also not saving enough money to make a difference in our quality of life.  I don’t want to work just to pay the daycare bills!  It might be different if we had family close by, but his family lives in FL and mine is in GA.  We can’t really just take the kids to grandmas whenever we want.  So, if other family can’t be with them, we would like one of us to be with them.

I feel like God has been preparing me for this for the past couple of years.  In this area of the country, there aren’t many outlets for “older” dancers.  To take classes, I have to drive to Charlotte and pay $10 per class as well as gas, not exactly feasible or worth it for only one class a week.  Whatever your talent or trade, when you don’t have regular opportunities to practice it, you start to lose it.  And, when you don’t take in, you have nothing to give out.  It’s hard to stay current and relevant and insecurity builds.

While I have loved my job, the farther I get away from college, where I was able to take several classes a day from people in “the know”, the more I see dance evolve and leave me behind.  Strangely, I feel OK about it.  Even though I’ve been doing it since I was three, I don’t feel a great loss.  Dance has served me well throughout my life.  It has given me confidence and a very satisfying career.  But, change is inevitable, and I’m not fighting it.  In fact, I’m excited about it and look forward to my next career as mommy.  :)

I’m not ready to say this is my final curtain call.  But, on June 6^th, I will be bowing out, at least for a while.

"Juno"

By now, you’ve probably had a chance to see the movie “Juno”, or at least heard about it.  I just thought I’d give you an amateur review from a future adoptive mom.  J

“Juno” was the best movie I’ve seen in a long time.  It was pure, honest, heart wrenching, and fun all at the same time.  The movie had a very youthful feel with such great musical selections—the album was number one on iTunes the first week the movie came out!

I do think the producers pushed the PG13 rating a bit, however.  There were several children in the theatre under age 13, which surprised us and made me uncomfortable during a couple of scenes.  So, I recommend that if you go see it, make sure you go with someone you’re very comfortable with, or rent it and watch it at home.

The writers did a great job of bringing us both sides of an adoption story.  With a rapid fire of youth slang, “Juno” starts out by shedding light on the thought processes that lead a 15-year-old girl into having sex.  As the story progresses, we see how a crisis situation matures her quickly as she begins to realize the depravity of the human race.  By the end, we learn that no matter the age or circumstance, making an adoption plan is a painful sacrifice for both the mother and her family. 

I must say, they also nailed the adoptive couple in many ways.  If I hadn’t been sitting in a theatre full of teenagers who laughed at all the wrong times, I probably would have cried…a lot.  Instead, I was annoyed at their disrespect and tried to remind myself that they hadn’t yet experienced anything close to this in their lives and therefore don’t have the capacity to understand.  Despite that, I understood as the adoptive couple straightened the towels in an attempt to present a perfect house to the birthmother.  I grinned when they were standing in the future nursery and she was quoting “What to Expect the First Year.”  As she and her husband debated over whether to paint the nursery green or yellow, Andy and I laughed because we had that conversation just that week!  My heart leapt as the adoptive mom felt the baby kick from inside the birthmother’s stomach.  I could easily imagine how she must have been feeling at that very moment.

The independent/private adoption process modeled in “Juno” seemed to follow current practices for the most part.  It did bother me that the first meeting between the birthmother and the adoptive couple was at the home of the adoptive couple with the lawyer present.  That would never happen, at least not in our state.  Typically it would be done at the lawyer’s office or some other public place.  But, the writers qualified this meeting by throwing in a one liner about how the adoptive couple is interested in an open adoption.  It still didn’t satisfy me, but it wasn’t enough to turn me off either.

I would highly recommend this movie.  Just remember that I warned you about the five or six quick moments that will make you blush and look around to see if everyone else is blushing too.

The Blessing of Community

Sunday, February 3^rd was an incredible day, not because the Giants upset the Patriots in the Super Bowl, but because it was our first baby shower!  Our church family threw us a co-ed baby shower!  I was so happy to have Andy there to share the experience with, and we had a great turn out.

Before the shower I wondered how the tradition of wedding and baby showers came to be.  When you stop to think about it, it just makes sense.  Purchasing all the supplies necessary for a baby would create an overwhelming financial burden for most people.  But, when a community of people pitch in, what is impossible for one person becomes possible through the community.  The idea is that each member of the community will pitch in for the others at the appropriate time.  What a beautiful picture of an Acts 2 (verses 44-46) community.  This is one thing our society does right.

Then there are those who go above and beyond to send the invitations, make the cake, arrange the food, or decorate.  How can you really thank them?  I could never accurately express my feelings towards those who planned and attended our shower.  And the gifts—each had it’s own personal touch.  It was one of the greatest displays of love and care I can remember.

In the movie “Juno”, the adoptive mom comes home after work one day with some baby supplies she had just purchased.  Juno happened to be there when she came home and saw the pile of things the couple had bought in preparation for the baby.  When she asked why they didn’t have a baby shower, the adoptive mom told her that people don’t really know how to react to an adoptive couple.  She said that people probably wouldn’t give her a baby shower since she’s not pregnant.  Unfortunately, this is reality for a lot of adoptive couples.  The community wants a definite due date before they’ll plan or participate in a baby shower.  They want to be sure the money they spend won’t go to waste. 

Andy and I have found the opposite to be true of our community of friends and family.  We thank God that everyone has been so incredibly supportive and excited for us.  Before we opened our gifts, Andy thanked everyone for not hesitating to give us the baby shower and talked about how other adoptive couples are not supported like we have been.  Many of the people in our community were stunned to know that there are people out there who wouldn’t participate in a baby shower unless they knew when the baby was coming.  That’s the kind of community we’re blessed to be a part of.

Alien

In preparation for baby, I have been doing a lot of research on parenting techniques.  I’m reading all about attachment parenting, demand feeding, hyper scheduling, the Baby Wise way, etc.  I like to compare the different schools of thought, realizing that I won’t know what will work best until I meet my baby. 

I walked into the YMCA with “Baby Wise” under my arm.  I intentionally put the cover page close to my body so no one passing by me could see it.  When I climbed onto the elliptical I placed the book face down, again so no one could see it.  I started pedaling, folding the book back, cover touching cover. 

After about 20 minutes, the lady on the machine next to me said, “I’m impressed that you’re able to read and pedal at the same time!”  Then she asked the dreaded question, “What are you reading?”

“Baby Wise,” I said.  She looked at my stomach and said, “But, you’re not pregnant.”

I laughed, “No, I’m not.  But, my husband and I are adopting.”

A great conversation on parenting ensued.  In the end I was glad she asked.  I would rather someone ask than for people to wonder and make up their own stories in their heads.

Even though people who know us don’t think it’s weird, I can’t help but feel a little like an alien around people who don’t.  I’m having baby showers, reading baby books, buying baby things…but no big belly and no due date.  It doesn’t make me sad.  In fact, I haven’t been sad over not being able to get pregnant one time since we started the adoption process.  But, I find myself sneaking around in public when there’s baby stuff involved.

Just before our baby shower at the church, one of the guys in our worship band did the greatest thing.  He walked up to me, patted my belly and said, “Girl, you’re about to pop!”  That made my day!  It made me feel so “normal!”   I’ve laughed every time I’ve thought about it since.  I hope that everyone around us will feel that comfortable and not feel like they have to tiptoe around the issue.  It helps us not feel so weird.

It's Official!

We have officially completed our homestudy! On January 2^nd we had our final office visit at CFS where we finally met the Director and the Administrator in person. They are two beautiful ladies who spend all their time helping women in crisis, couples in waiting, and children who are caught in the middle.

Our meeting lasted 2 hrs. and 45 mins.! I think it was mostly because we enjoyed talking and didn’t try to rush our conversation. It turns out we have a lot of connections with the Director, S, through mutual acquaintances. The purpose of the meeting is for her to get to know us a little so she can properly represent us to the birthmothers. It’s also a time for her to tell us what to expect and give us a rundown of adoption laws and costs.

At the meeting we turned in the portfolio that I have been poring over for the past couple of months. One day on my way to school, I was praying that God would help me create a portfolio that the birthmother of our child would be drawn to. I was thinking of the things that make us unique that few other couples would be able to offer. The greatest thing I think we have to offer is the fact that every single member of our family is supportive and excited about our adoption. And, that’s when it hit me.

When I got home that day I called every member of our family and asked them to write a paragraph on a 3X5 card expressing their excitement about the arrival of their new family member. Some wrote about things they couldn’t wait to experience with their new grandchild, niece, nephew, or cousin. I included pictures of the respective family members beside their card. S said she had seen portfolios where both the adoptive mother and father wrote letters, but never every member of the family! She said it would be a treasure and comfort to the birthfamily. At the recommendation of the agency, I made two copies—one for the birthmother to keep and one to give the child one day. I’d love for you to see it. Feel free to ask!

There are two tracks you can choose from when working with this agency. One track is for couples waiting for Caucasian children only. The other is for couples willing to adopt an African American child. That is the track we are on. During our meeting, we found out that there are only two other couples working with CFS that are in the same track as us! On top of that, both of those couples want girls. Andy and I are willing to take a boy or a girl!

I thought back to my birthday seven years ago when my friend Adam gave me a little black boy beanie baby. Everyone who knows me well has heard me say at some point that I would like to have a little black boy one day. Through interactions with my students, I’ve always connected with my black boys and have to be careful not to favor them. I can’t explain the desire to have a black son. I can’t deny it either.

If a woman pregnant with a black girl comes to the agency, S will show her the portfolios of the two other couples waiting for black girls first. If the birthmother does not choose either of them to parent her child, S will then show her our portfolio. That is the only chance we’ll have a girl. If a woman pregnant with a black boy comes to the agency, S has only one portfolio to show. Us. If the birthmother does not choose us to parent her child, S will have to send her to another agency to find parents for her child. If she does choose us, S will call us and tell us everything she knows about the child. We will have 24 hrs. to pray and ask God if this is our child. If we say yes, then we pray real hard throughout the remainder of her pregnancy that God would guard our hearts in case she changes her mind. That’s the scary part.

Once the baby is born, the birthmother usually signs the release forms within a couple of days. After that, there’s no turning back. There could be some complications with the birthfather, if he’s involved at all, but we’ll be aware of that along the way. We’ll also have an adoption lawyer to protect us as much as possible. About 90 days after placement we go to court to finalize the adoption.

My friend Danielle has a friend who just adopted through Bethany Christian Services. She got a call on Tuesday and picked up her baby on Wednesday! The baby had been born two weeks before and was in foster care while they waited for the birthfather to sign the release forms.

Hearing this story and seeing the pictures helps me to believe that it’s actually going to happen for us too. It’s also a wake up call that it could happen VERY quickly! I feel a huge desire to get things in place so that we can be ready for whatever timeline God has planned for us. We plan to have the baby shower from my church next month, hopefully before the baby is born. It will be a non-gender specific needs/necessities shower, things on our registry at Babies R Us and Target. The ladies at my school have talked about giving me a shower too! Then, after the baby is born, those of you who do not teach at my school or go to our church can participate in a gender specific shower. That will give those of you who live out of town a chance to see the baby! :)

So, basically we’re waiting for our birthmother to call the agency, see our portfolio, and choose us to parent her child. In the meantime, we prepare by reading books like “What to Expect the First Year.” And, we ordered the crib and changing table last night! It won’t be long before the house has evidence that a baby is coming!