Saturday, May 03, 2008

OK, I'll Say It...

…no we haven’t heard anything from the agency.  No, we don’t have a match yet.  There.  I said it.  Now I can move on.

I have avoided blogging for the past couple of months because I SO wanted my next post to be news about our baby.  But, now too much time has passed, and people are going to stop checking if I don’t write something.

I’ve heard so many adoptive moms talk about what they call “emotional labor”.  Adoptive moms don’t have the physical pain of carrying and delivering a child, but our hearts ache deeply as we wait for the child we have prayed for for so long.  I’ve definitely been experiencing that.  Even though we KNOW that God is going to give us the child He has chosen for us at the perfect time, we still long for our child in such a real way that we can almost feel him/her in our arms at times.  We stand and look at our nursery stocked with all the things we need to care for a baby and imagine what life will be like when he/she is here.  It’s both exciting and excruciating.

For some women, infertility is the hardest experience of their lives.  For me, waiting for our adopted child is much harder than all of my years of infertility combined.  I think it’s because having a child biologically is not ULTIMATE for me.  What IS ultimate for me is being a mom.  Honestly, at this point I don’t think I would feel a tremendous loss if I never birthed a child.  As my friend (who is also an adoptive mom with no biological children) says, “God just had a different plan for how I would get my children.  They are no less mine than if I gave birth to them.  And, if I had given birth to children, I think it would have been these exact two children.” 

For many women, giving birth is ultimate.  I can usually tell who they are because when I talk to them about our adoption the conversations inevitably end with their encouraging me to keep the faith that I’ll have a baby “of my own” one day.  I can’t explain why God has made me OK with infertility, but I’m thankful He has.

The pain of waiting for our child is magnified with Mother’s Day approaching.  If you’ve been following the blog for a while, you have heard me say how hard Mother’s Day is for “infertile” women.  It is especially hard for women who go to church on Mother’s Day.  Typically churches have a ceremony or some kind of treat for mothers—and they should!  Mothers need to be recognized for what they do.  It is a rewarding and beautiful thing to sacrifice and serve others on a daily basis.  I can’t wait to be included in that!

This year, Andy offered to take me away somewhere for Mother’s Day.  But, I thank God that I don’t feel that is necessary this year.  Three or four of our close friends are having their new babies baptized on Mother’s Day, and I want to be there for that.  I dream of the day we have our little one baptized as a symbol of our recognition that this child belongs to God, not us, and we are committed to raising him/her with that in mind.  Part of infant baptism is a charge to the congregation to support the parents and help raise the child(ren) in a covenant community of believers.  I want to be there to make that promise to my friends.

One of the most beautiful things about our church family is that they long for this child to join the family almost as intensely as we do!  I could mention our pending adoption to almost any woman at church at any given moment and the water works begin.   They hurt for us and are excited for us.  It is such a beautiful picture of 1 Corinthians 12:26.  I know that if I’m having a hard time on Mother’s Day, church is where I want to be!  If I cry, it’s OK because I know they are going to love on me so hard that I will be comforted and reminded of God’s love and promises.  And I know Andy will love on me too.  I told him that it would help me this year (as we’re closer to getting our baby than we’ve been in the past six years) that it would help if he treated me like a mother and reminded me throughout the day that I AM going to be a mother soon.  Thinking of it that way makes me a little excited about Mother’s Day.  Who knows…I may be eight months “pregnant” right now and just don’t know it yet!


Lizzy Richardson said...

I have thought about your baby all morning---God smiling on him or her, already knowing the by name. Perhaps they are snuggled inside a womb at this very moment...months, even days from being born. But we know he or she, or "they" are there, in His sight, in His care, waiting to be yours. Happy Mother's Day to my mother to be friend!

carrie said...

Hey! Lindsay Stovall passed your blog along to me and I have LOVED reading it! I am soooo...excited for you and Andy and your coming little one. We just had one in March and no matter how they come to you they are gifts from God!!!And boy will he teach you SO much about himself through them! Have you read the book Sacred Parenting? It's wonderful! I am going to leave you with one of my favorite quotes from the book:

"God cares for you so about you that he's willing to risk letting you raise one, two, three or even more of his precious children. He knows ahead of time that you're going to make mistakes. He knows at the outset that you won't be a perfect parent - but he is so zealous for your own growth that he is willing to take that risk. Scripture clearly states how zealously God guards these small persons. Even so, he let YOU take care of some of them!"

Isn't that an awesome responsibility?? Please know that y'all are in my prayers as you wait and also that I am already praying for your little one on the way!!

Laurin said...

Hi Michelle! This is Danielle's friend who just got our baby boy in January. I just wanted you to know that I completely understand how you feel! I've been there, but I promise the minute you see that sweet face the time doesn't matter a bit. I will be praying that the Lord continues to give you both peace in the waiting. If you want to talk feel free to get my contact info from Danielle.