Sit Back, Relax, Grab a Cup of Coffee

…or hot chocolate if you prefer.  I want to tell you a story about our recent trip to Guatemala.

Andy was asked to do the Sunday morning devotional for our team.  He chose to speak about adoption since our trip to Guatemala last year was the motivating factor for us seriously pursuing adoption.  It was appropriate, too, because this July marked our sixth year of waiting for a baby.  So, he shared a little of our story simply to help illustrate the message.  He talked about the fact that all believers are adopted into God’s family (Ephesians 1:5).  And, our adoption makes us children of God and co-heirs with Christ (Romans 8:17).  Now, that’s good stuff!

Afterwards, one of the missionaries currently living in Guatemala, Luis, told us that he felt that he and Ron, the director of the mission organization, should pray for us.  He said they’ve prayed for many women who weren’t able to conceive who later conceived.   He said that in Hebrews 11:11 it says that God gave Sarah the “strength” to conceive (NKJ), he then cross referenced that with Philippians 4:13, “I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” 

Andy said later that when Luis proposed this, his first thought was, “Were you not listening to what I just said?  I said we’re adopting.”  But, he knew this guy hadn’t walked through the whole process with us over the past six years, and we knew God would get His way no matter what.

About two minutes later, Ron, who had not heard our conversation with Luis, said that the Lord showed him he needed to pray for us.  Last year he said that to our pastor’s wife who had been suffering from debilitating migraines for 15 years and she was healed!  So, we said, “OK.”

A couple of days passed and they hadn’t prayed for us yet, so as they were leaving one night a lady from our team said, “Ron, are you going to pray for Andy and Michelle?”  He said, “Oh, I’ve already pronounced her pregnant, but I’ll pray if you want me to.”

WHAT?  What in the world?  How can that be?  I started my period the day before we left for Guatemala and we’d been in separate rooms ever since!  (TMI—I know.)

So, the group laid hands on us and Ron hovered his hand over my womb and began to pray.  It wasn’t a weird emotional thing, just a simple prayer that went something like this:  “Lord, we come to you asking that you bless this couple with a child.  We ask you to open Michelle’s womb and allow her to conceive.  I come against the spirit of infidelity…wait, that’s not right…what’s the word?”  The group said collectively, “INFERTILITY!”  Ron said, “Oh yeah.  I come against the spirit of infertility in the name of Jesus.  So many people see children as a burden, but Michelle and Andy have been waiting for a child for a long time, Lord.  They want to be parents.  I pray that you would not allow them to be negative about this, but that you would bless them by allowing her to conceive.  I pray believing that you have done it already.  In Jesus’ name I pray.  Amen.”

After our group concluded, I went up to get a shower and cried, a lot.  I was scared to open my heart to the possibility again.  I had prayed and believed before and it didn’t happen, so I had closed that part of my heart off in defense.  I asked God if I should believe, if I should open my heart to hope for pregnancy again.  I knew that if it was of Him that it would happen, but if it was just people who wanted good things for us, my heart would be broken again.

Then I started to think about all the people who were in the room during the prayer and how the result of this prayer would affect their faith too.  I knew at the end of the month if I wasn’t pregnant that it wouldn’t rock my world so much that I would lose faith in God.  He’s taught me that my faith can’t be dependent on whether He gives me what I want or not.  But, what about them?  How would this affect their faith?  That thought was too much for me.  I knew it was out of my control.  So, finally I said, “God, all I can do is trust you.  I trust you with our hearts and with the faith of all of those who were there.  This is your deal.  I trust you.”

For the remainder of the trip, Ron made comments to me as if I had already gotten a positive pregnancy test.  One time he said, “the next time I hug you I won’t be able to get this close to you because you’ll have a big belly!”  I didn’t really know how to respond to those kinds of comments.  He said, “You’ve got to start talking like that now.”

At the Guatemala City airport, a second team of missionaries from Eternal flew in on the same plane we were to fly home on.  So, we got to hang out with them in the airport for a few minutes as our week of service was ending and theirs was beginning.  The pastor and his wife were on team 2, so I went to her right away and told her that Ron had prayed for me.  She immediately started crying.  She knew that when Ron prayed, he wasn’t messin’ around!  After all, God healed her last year and she had complete faith that God could heal me too.  So, she looked me in the eyes and said, “Live in it.” (Mark 11:24)

We were home for a week before we went down to FL for two weeks to visit Andy’s family.  As we were packing, I calculated the days and figured out that I should expect my next period while we were gone.  But, all I could think was “live in it,” so I didn’t pack any tampons.  Instead, I packed two pregnancy tests and the Willow Tree statue, “New Dad”, that I had bought years before and planned to give Andy to let him know our first child was on the way!  At this point I had decided to live in full faith that God was going to answer the prayers for me to conceive and trusted that He would be there for me if it wasn’t His will.  I had more than the faith of a mustard seed that God could do this (Matthew 17:20).

While in FL, I took care of my body as if I were pregnant.  I didn’t get in the hot tub at Andy’s parents house, which was very strange to everyone else who knows how much I love the hot tub.  I wouldn’t eat certain foods like soft cheeses, and I just kind of took it easy.  I even said to myself secretly in my head sometimes, “I’m pregnant!”  Andy on the other hand struggled to believe it.  He felt so strongly that God had clearly shown us the path to adoption that it just wasn’t His plan for me to be pregnant.

Three days before my expected period, I woke up before Andy with the intention of taking a pregnancy test.  I went into the bathroom and peed on the stick.  It was the calmest I’ve ever been taking a pregnancy test.  As I waited for the results, I prayed that God would guard my heart.  I had such a peace that He would be there to comfort me if I looked over and saw a negative. 

Now, put down your hot beverage.

I’m pregnant!  Yep, you heard me right, I’M PREGNANT!!!!  Now, stop reading for a moment and let this miracle of God sink in.  Praise the Lord!!!!

It was the most surreal moment.  It was like a movie scene where I was flying through a tunnel of pictures from the last six years of infertility at lightening speed and it all stopped on that positive sign.  My plan was to go back in the room and give Andy the statue of the man holding the baby and let him figure it out, but...that’s not what happened.  J

I SO needed another human being to confirm that what I was seeing was real, I mean, I’ve never seen a positive pregnancy test before.  So, I ran in the room (I had to wake Andy up) and grabbed the paper in the test box that tells you what to look for.  I held it in front of his face with a shaking hand.  Once I felt sure his eyes had focused enough to know what he was looking at, I held the stick up next to the paper.  I watched his eyes move from the stick to the paper, from the stick to the paper, from the stick to the paper…and then he gasped.  We looked at each other with eyes and mouths wide open like, “Are you serious?!!”  And, I just smiled and nodded.  We hugged and cried and I shook like Chihuahua.  It was a magical moment!

If you’ve been reading my blog from the beginning, you know how important it was for me to tell everyone on person.  Well, listen to how much God cares about the details.  We were in Orlando visiting Andy’s sister when I took the test, so we got to tell her family.  Then, we stopped off and told my brother in Palm Coast on our way to tell Andy’s parents in Orange Park.  We stayed a couple more days with his parents and got to tell his grandparents and cousins.  One the way home, we stopped off at my parent’s house in GA.  When we got home we got to tell almost everyone in person.  The reactions were SIX times greater because of how long we’ve waited.  I will treasure their faces, hugs, and words of praise to God for the rest of my life.

Sometimes when I tell people, they say things like “See, all you needed to do was relax and not be under so much stress.” Or “That’s how it happens, you start the adoption process and BOOM!”  All I can say to that is, no.  Don’t give credit to anything other than who it was, a blatant MIRACLE from God.  And I ask that you don’t leave that part of the story out when you tell it to others.

I am eight weeks along, due April 9th.  The doctor said everything looks good!

Thank you all for your faithful prayers over the past six years.  We know that God heard your prayers too.  He is faithful and good, even when we don’t understand his timing.

These verses have comforted and encouraged me over the past six years.

Psalm 113

1 Praise the LORD.  Praise, O servants of the LORD, praise the name of the LORD

2 Let the name of the LORD be praised, both now and forevermore.

3 From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets, the name of the LORD is to be praised.

4 The LORD is exalted over all the nations, his glory above the heavens.

5 Who is like the LORD our God, the One who sits enthroned on high,

6 who stoops down to look on the heavens and the earth?

7 He raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap;

8 he seats them with princes, with the princes of their people.

9 He settles the barren woman in her home as the happy mother of children.  Praise the LORD.

Day by Day

In case you were thinking that I’ve got it all figured out and don’t deal with sadness anymore, I thought I’d let you know that it’s not true. While I have an understanding that gives me peace in the midst of all this, I can’t say there aren’t hard days. This month, for example, my period came between two significant weekends, mother’s day and my birthday, a time when both our families will be together to celebrate. It’s always been my dream to reveal pregnancy to our families on one of the rare occasions when they’re together. But, there is one verse that encompasses my feelings and hope. Jesus said, “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

Despite the brief moments over the past two weeks where I let my mind wander down that pregnancy road, at the same time I have experienced what feels like the beginning of a new chapter of my life. Last Thursday morning after posting “The Gospel Revealed through Suffering,” I felt a very unique lightness, an excitement. It was as if the infertility season of my life is over, not because I’m pregnant, but because we’re looking ahead to the second part of the title of this blog, adoption.

Because you’ve nearly been caught up to what is currently happening in our lives and because my summer is beginning after this week, posts will be on Thursdays only beginning next week. I hope you will keep reading because I feel God has shown us some pretty special things regarding adoption and I’m excited to share that with you as well. We thank you for your encouragement during our struggles through infertility and look forward to experiencing the adoption process with you too.

Next Post: 5/24/2007

The Gospel Revealed Through Suffering

A couple of months ago I read an article that confirmed my decision not to pursue fertility treatment. The authors, a couple who had struggled through infertility themselves, spoke about infertility as a mystery. Just as when disease strikes a child, we can’t understand why some people can’t conceive. The article describes the human fear of mystery and pain. It goes on to say that we have come to fear pain so much that we attempt to master it at all costs. “We have little patience for the process, even less tolerance for the unknown, and certainly no love for mystery, particularly the dark mysteries of suffering.” *

Modern medicine is a good example of our quest to master our pain. Fertility treatment falls into that category as well. “Infertility is a stark, monthly reminder of mortality and weakness. Infertile couples come to live with an issue that is beyond their control, and their situation is a vivid reminder to us all of the stubborn truth our culture would rather conveniently forget: that we do not control our lives or the world.” I wasn’t really sure why I felt so strongly that I didn’t want to have treatment at the time, but when I read this my feelings all made sense. “When we do this we live out a theology of suffering which does not deny the pain, but puts it in the broader story of redemption.”

We’ve got to change our attitude towards pain and suffering. I’m not saying we shouldn’t go to the doctor or take Advil for a headache. But, in general, pain is not something to be afraid of. “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds.” (James 1:2)

Over the last twenty posts, we’ve attempted to share with you the pain of infertility. If we stopped there though, you wouldn’t get to see the beauty in the pain that we’ve experienced. The gospel has been revealed through our suffering. We were broken humans, separated from God, thinking selfishly about what we wanted. Jesus has redeemed us and given us peace and joy at a time when there would otherwise be despair.

When we have children, I’m sure I’ll want to protect them from pain in any way possible. But, I pray that I won’t get in the way of God trying to grow them in Him. People who experience pain know God in a way that others don’t. Through our suffering, He reveals His character. He uses every ounce of our pain to grow and mature us. Then, we can go out and comfort others who are struggling in the same way that He comforted us. (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)

If I had a quote that represented my life it would be, “pain only lasts a little while and it is never in vain.” Every ounce of pain I have experienced in my life has been used to grow and bless me. The blessings that have come out of my pain exceed anything I could have dreamed up for myself. God is sovereign! When I experience pain I can rest assured that he has my best interest at heart (Jeremiah 29:11).

* “Infertility: Mastery or Mystery” by Michael and Shareen Kelly
December 2006 issue of By Faith Magazine
http://www.byfaithonline.com/

Next Post: 5/22/2007

Alpha & Omega

Our finite minds cannot comprehend an infinite God. What does it mean to know everything from the beginning of time to the end…everything, including the number of hairs on our heads at any given moment? Matthew 10:30 & Luke 12:7

In our own world (and mind), we are big and important. We think about ourselves more than we think about anybody or anything else. Now, think about the whole earth (and the billions of other people that live here). Consider that it is a part of a larger solar system with other planets. If you draw back and see yourself in comparison to not just an entire planet but also an entire solar system and galaxy, it’s hard to think of yourself so big anymore.

What makes me think my desires are paramount compared to everyone else’s?

Now consider eternity. Several times in Revelation it says that God is the "Alpha & Omega". I picture black space with a timeline drawn that stretches so far that I can't see either end. The timeline contains all eternity. I would assume that at the far left of the timeline is written the creation of the world. At the far right would be...well, I guess the events written in Revelation. Then I zoom into the timeline a little more and see all of the events written on the timeline happening at the same time. I can actually visualize tiny little scenes with people carrying out the events of the times. Moses is leading the children of Israel from Egypt while our soldiers are fighting the war in Iraq, and at the same time, on the right end of the timeline Jesus is coming back! Then I look behind me and imagine God is there. He's so enormous that he can see the whole timeline without even turning his head to the left or right. I look back to the timeline and zoom in further to the dot of time where my life is. Wow! That gives me a pretty realistic picture of how tiny I am!

Don't misunderstand me. I'm not saying I'm not important to God or can't do BIG things for God in the short time I'm here, but when you consider eternity this way, how significant is it to God’s kingdom whether we have a baby or not? Of course, if he wants us to have a baby, he'll have a purpose for that child greater than we can even imagine. But, if he doesn't, why should it destroy me? What's our purpose in being here in this dot in time anyway? We are commanded to love God and love people. What else matters?

Some people are put on earth to birth a child that will change the world. Take Mary for example. If God gives me that job, I'll take it. If not, I'll accept whatever other job he has for me that will make a difference. Meanwhile, I'll pray that he'll continue to give me an eternal perspective on life. In that way, not having a child doesn't seem as big of a deal. Besides, life on earth will be over before I know it and then REAL life with Christ begins! At that point “He will wipe every tear from [our] eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things [will have] passed away.” Revelation 21:4

Sitting around thinking about ourselves and what we want is a waste of time in eternity. I need to stop thinking about what could be and focus on what IS. We owe our lives to Christ in whatever way he asks. After all, He gave His life for us!

Next Post, by Andy: 5/15/2007

Attack!!

I was so thankful for this new perspective on things, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t struggled since. Last year I was expecting my period around Mother’s day. It was a day or two late, but that had happened enough times in the past that I knew it would be a waste to take a pregnancy test. But, of course that didn’t stop me from getting my hopes up. I thought, how great would it be of God to give me a child—not on someone else’s birthday or a holiday, but on a day just for me! I thought I had figured Him out again!

When I woke up on Mother’s day, I had started my period. I felt that was a cruel joke. My heart was heavy.

I went to church and served donuts and orange juice to all the mothers of the church. I was doing a glorious job of hiding my sorrow. But, during worship I decided not to hide it from God, so I cried, I prayed and I sang. My spirits were lifted and my hope restored.

That night as we were getting ready for our week, we put the TV show “Scrubs” on in the background. I guess because it was Mother’s day, the whole episode was about one of the lead characters finding out she was pregnant after having tried for a long time. I stopped what I was doing, sat down and watched. It was like I was watching to see how things would turn out for me! It’s crazy how our minds work, isn’t it? At the end of the episode there was a party. Everyone she loved was there. She walked in and revealed to everyone the good news, and NO kidding, the show went to slow motion for the last five minutes as people cheered and cried, and she hugged every single person in the room. They doted over her and everyone was so happy for her and her husband.

I went to Andy and just cried. I might have even screamed and punched some things too. Then, when I realized what was happening, I got angry. I screamed at Satan, “Oh NO! You can’t do this to me anymore! God has freed me from this and you will not keep me down!”

I felt better.

“When the devil had finished all his tempting, he left him until an opportune time.” Luke 4:13

Jesus said, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” John 10:10

“Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” 1 Peter 5:8

The Bible tells us it’s going to happen. Just wait for it, and don’t let it destroy you.

Next Post: 5/10/2007

Romanticized

As we grow, we look towards to the next stage in life with excitement. When you’re a teenager you can’t wait to get your driver's license, then later find that perfect person to marry, the perfect job, buy a home, have a family…things will be perfect when...

Back when we first decided to have a baby, I wasn’t thinking about how difficult it would be. Sickness during pregnancy, unwanted weight gain, complications during pregnancy and delivery, budgeting to fit in a little one, trying to satisfy a crying baby in the middle of the night...these were not part of my visions of being a mom. I wasn’t thinking about the intense responsibility of caring for another human being and the possibility that our child might not be healthy. I was thinking about how cute I hoped to look when pregnant, what a great dad Andy would be, how I could cherish the excitement everyone felt when they found out I was pregnant, and snuggling with my cute little baby. Life is always perfect in my visions of the future.

As time passed and I watched my friends and family with their new babies, I saw just how hard pregnancy and parenthood is. I saw their insecurities grow with their bellies, the medical complications that come with pregnancy and delivery, exhaustion from lack of sleep, tension placed on marriages as the family grows, and the stress of a young couple trying to make ends meet. I realized I had romanticized the whole thing. I realized I had romanticized a lot of things in my life. I began to sympathize when young friends and family expressed frustration about an unplanned pregnancy or the difficulties of parenthood. Before that, hearing these “negative” comments upset me. in my mind I thought, "What? I'd give anything to be sick if I knew it meant I was pregnant!" Now I could see they were very REAL and valid feelings. I have the utmost respect for parents. It must be the most courageous job on the earth, to raise another human being! (Thank you mom & dad!)

I’m just thankful that God was beginning to break down my romantic view of pregnancy and parenthood and replace it with reality. In this way, I could be grateful to God for our “misfortune.” I've learned that no one ever really feels equipped to be a parent. That's good to know.

Next Post: 5/8/2007

Back on Birthcontrol?

In my first year of teaching in the public schools I remember hearing some terrible stories about what the students in my schools had to deal with at home. Some of those kids lived in horrific situations, worse than I could ever imagine. I remember coming to the realization that in our lives we get to choose who we spend our time with. We are used to the quirks of our families because we grew up with them. We pick our friends based on how they act, look, smell, how much money they make, or whatever other quality may be important to us. But, when you work with the public, you interact with all kinds of people. You don’t get to pick and choose who you teach. You are taken out of your safe comfort zone and reminded that there is a whole world of different people out there that you might never choose to hang out with.

One day, in my sixth year of teaching, I was watching the Kindergartners playing at recess right outside my classroom window. I was smiling as they were chasing each other around the playground, thinking about having one of my own one day. Then, one boy went over and shoved another boy down on the ground and started pounding him with his fist. A little while later two other little boys were gesturing guns with their fingers and pretending to shoot each other. Around the corner a boy pushed a little girl up against a brick wall and made a very sexual gesture to her with his pelvis. I sank.

What was I thinking? Could I bring a child into a world like this? This was a five year-old’s concept of playing! Would it be possible to raise a child that would reject these ways of thinking? How could we be responsible for the spiritual well being of a child in this cruel, fallen world? Should I go back on birth control and just forget the whole thing?

It was like my eyes had been opened to a whole new way of thinking. I thought; we’re so young! Thank God He didn’t give us a child back when we first started trying! We could have never handled it way back then, heck we can’t handle it now! How do teenagers manage when they get pregnant?!

I began to understand the couple that waits to have children because they’re not ready and they have so many other things they want to do first. I started thinking about graduate school, mission trips, moving somewhere exotic, vacations, etc. I started working out again. I looked back on the past three years and realized I had been living bound to this dream of having a child, and every plan I had made was in consideration of this child we didn’t even have yet! Wow, I had missed out on a lot of living!

I was confused. Was it good for me to think I didn’t want a child, or was it selfish?

I’ve since wondered if my reaction was a defense mechanism. No one can go on for years on end enduring the emotional torture I had put myself through, and I know that children are a tremendous blessing from the Lord. But, thinking of having children in this light made me feel better about not having any. I found myself paying close attention to how difficult it was to be a parent and taking comfort in that. I began at that point to feel thankful that God had not given us children.

Next Post: 5/3/07

Sovereignty of God

The greatest lesson I’ve learned from being “infertile” is that God is a whole lot smarter than us. Praise God that I’m not in control of what happens in my life. If I were, I would have screwed things up a LONG time ago! What if I had gotten pregnant when we first started trying? What would things be like now? Would we have been good parents?

I began to trust that God had good reasons for not giving us a child when we wanted it. If He was trying to protect me from permanent back pain then Praise Him! If He wanted to provide Andy with a different job so that we could be ready financially then Praise Him! If He wanted to give us a chance to grow and mature spiritually and in our marriage so that we could be better parents, Praise Him!

We began to embrace Him as our Sovereign Lord. His word gives us ample proof of His sovereignty. Whatever His reasons may be, we trust that they are good ones. “’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” Jeremiah 29:11

“’For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are you ways my ways,’ declares the LORD. ‘As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.’” Isaiah 55:8-9

Abraham & Sarah

Abraham and Sarah must have felt out of control too. God had promised Abraham many sons, but he and Sarah were getting past the age of fertility and hadn’t had a child yet (Genesis 15). So, Abraham lost patience and took control of the situation himself. He slept with his maidservant, Hagar, who bore him a son, Ishmael (Genesis 16). This act of impatience led to jealousy, heartache, and tragedy. We can certainly learn from that!
One benefit of having the Bible is that we know the whole story from beginning to end, and we can learn about God’s character through the example of others. We know that God gave Abraham and Sarah a baby in his perfect timing. But, in their human-ness, they got confused and impatient and tried to take matters in their own hands.

We decided to go to a fertility doctor to make sure our reproductive organs were healthy. We went in hoping that this doctor would take the time to investigate us and figure out what was keeping us from getting pregnant. I went in with tons of questions about hormones, stress, hypoglycemia, and anything else I could think of. But, doctors are busy people. They don’t have time to investigate why this is happening. They want to get to the quickest, simplest solution. We had hoped this doctor would be different, that she would take time to ask questions and do tests, but after a couple of tests she said we were both healthy and she wanted us to begin fertility treatment right away.

This was not the first doctor who had recommended treatment. In fact, after one year of having unprotected sex with no pregnancy one is considered infertile. Pretty much every doctor you see after that point recommends treatment. This day our file bore the label “Unexplained Infertility.”

It seemed that most doctors assumed we wanted to get pregnant right away. But we learned from Abraham and Sarah that impatience breeds tragedy and since we knew we were healthy we knew that God would give us a child in His perfect timing and He didn’t need any help. We also had heard of a pastor and his wife who waited nine years for a child, and just when they buried their hopes and dreams, got pregnant. They ended up having three children! I couldn’t imagine having to wait NINE years, but we felt that going through fertility treatment would have been a display of our impatience. It wasn’t that we felt fertility treatment was wrong, but for us it was not right at that time.

People thought we were crazy for not accepting treatment. They said things like, “well, you’re not getting any younger. You better do it now before your biological clock stops tickin’.” I’ve heard that after 30 years of age your pregnancy is considered “high risk.” I didn’t want that. But, in the back of my mind I felt I had been forewarned. We decided not to listen to everyone else’s logic.

We say our infertility is NOT “unexplainable.” It would have made sense for us to accept treatment if we found out we weren’t healthy, but we are. You don’t go to a doctor because you’re well, you go because you’re sick—and we aren’t. There can be only one reason that two completely healthy adults haven’t had a child yet when so many others are getting pregnant so easily—God just isn’t ready for us to have a child. We felt excited about the decision to reject treatment, because we knew if we were obedient that God would bless us in a great way. We wanted nothing more than to please God, even if that meant not getting what we wanted when we wanted it.

Next Post: 4/26/07

Out of Control!

If you think about all the people you know who have gotten pregnant or had babies, I bet there are only a handful that went just the way they planned it. Some get pregnant as teenagers, some while on birth control. Some get pregnant just before they get married, some on their honeymoon. Some have major complications during pregnancy or delivery, some miscarry. Some get surprised, some wait until just the right moment to start trying and the moment passes them by, like us.

I began to realize that pregnancy and child bearing is one area where God reminds us that we are not in control. We think we can control it through fertility treatment and careful planning, but ultimately the miracle of life can only be initiated by God. There is nothing we can do to change our situation. It is out of our hands. Only God can give life. “[God] himself gives all men life and breath and everything else.” Acts 17:25

Next Post: 4/24/07

Prayer & Sin

“Isaac prayed to the Lord on behalf of his wife, because she was barren. The Lord answered his prayer, and his wife Rebekah became pregnant.” Genesis 25:21

Hannah prayed, “’O Lord Almighty, if you will only look upon your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life’…and the Lord remembered her. So in the course of time Hannah conceived and gave birth to a son.” 1 Samuel 1:11-20

“He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the Lord.” Psalm 113:9

Andy and I thought that we must begin to use these verses as an example of how we should pray. We began praying for God to give us a child. We prayed faithfully, daily.

After some time passed and we still weren’t pregnant, we began to try to figure out why. We wondered if God planned to give us a child with special needs or twins and He knew we weren’t quite ready. Maybe we needed some more time to mature. Maybe through our suffering we would learn more about His character. Maybe we needed to be more financially secure and God was protecting us from ruin. Could it be that He wanted to spare me from tremendous and permanent back pain that had threatened me in the past? Was it because one of us was going to die early and God was trying to spare us from excess pain by not giving us a child? Or maybe it’s because the time had come that Jesus spoke of in Luke 23:29, “For the time will come when you will say, ‘Blessed are the barren women, the wombs that never bore and the breasts that never nursed!’” Could God be protecting us?

Finally, this was the question that caused us the greatest agony; was it because of sin in our life currently or in the past? We asked God and waited days, even weeks for the answer, but He didn’t convict us of anything. Instead, He directed us to this verse many times through different sources, “’Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?’ ‘Neither this man nor his parents sinned,’ said Jesus, ‘but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.’” John 9:2-3

This insight brought us an excitement to be used by God! For the first time we had peace about not getting pregnant and about the future. Praise the Lord for choosing us to bring glory to his name!

Next Post: 4/19/07

Expectations

I’ve learned that it’s dangerous to have expectations about something that is going to happen in the future. I am a visual person and tend to picture future events in my mind; I’m sure I’m not the only one. Typically my expectations are romanticized; the most perfect scenario for the event that I can imagine. If I expect things to play out the way I pictured it and it doesn’t, I’ve left myself open for disappointment and in some cases devastation.

It's like a girl planning her wedding. She visualizes the whole affair, detail for detail. She expects this special day to go perfectly according to their plan, but when it doesn’t… someone forgot the guest book; it rained on the outdoor wedding; no one brought the knife and cake server...these mishaps can ruin a girl’s wedding day in her mind. She has such high expectations, and in her attention to detail she forgets that the goal of the day is to get married. What else really matters?

One of my favorite questions to ask people after they’ve had their first baby is, what happened that you didn’t expect? One desired with all her heart to have her baby naturally. She wasn’t able to. It devastated to her. One didn’t expect it to happen so quickly; another didn’t expect it to take so long. One didn’t expect all the nurses and doctors to be so laid back while she was in labor.

I’ve had my own expectations too. I could dream up the perfect scenario for breaking the news that I’m pregnant to friends and family and I would think, oh, that would be perfect! Of course! This is what God has been waiting on! I thought I had him figured out.

Things didn’t go the way I expected. I had a choice to make: let it devastate me, or seek answers from the only one who knew why, God.

Next Post: 4/17/07

Surprise! She's Pregnant-You're Not!

Infertility can be a blessing or a curse to friendships. You’ve been trying to get pregnant and instead your friend who wasn’t trying to get pregnant—did. How do you respond? How does she respond?

I’ve heard so many times of a woman struggling with infertility so rattled by the news that a friend got pregnant that she couldn’t bring herself to be around her friend(s) anymore. This of course is the saddest of all scenarios. I imagine the difficulty of seeing her progress in her pregnancy and the realization that your children won’t be close in age. You’ll watch her belly grow and try to muster up the words to say when she calls excited after just having heard the baby’s heartbeat for the first time or finding out the baby’s gender. I could see how it would be difficult to hang around through all that.

From the friend’s perspective, you are pregnant, possibly unexpectedly, and your friend has been trying for a long time to get pregnant. You don’t want to rub it in her face. You want to protect her, so you distance yourself so that you don’t have to show excitement as you grow to love this new human growing inside of you.

After we started trying, I remember hearing that one of my close friends was pregnant unexpectedly. I remember the blood rushing through my body and I went numb for at least a second. Immediately it caused this dilemma inside of me. At first I was jealous and couldn’t see how I would be able to show excitement for her. But, then I asked myself, what has her pregnancy got to do with me? Just because she got pregnant before me didn’t mean I would never get pregnant. And, how selfish of me to be jealous that she was going to get to wear the cute maternity clothes first and she was going to be getting all of the attention. What a slug I am! By the grace of God, He redeemed me from my pride and selfishness and gave me a genuine excitement for my friends and family when they got pregnant. In fact, I loved (and still do) hearing about their experiences. I wanted to learn all I could so that I could be prepared when my time came!

My friends and family have been amazing through all of this. I saw incredible compassion from a friend who was so worried about how her unexpected pregnancy would affect me that she cried when she had to tell me. She cared so much about my feelings that she didn’t even allow herself to feel excitement right away. One friend dreamed she was pregnant and that God told her to give us the baby. She was actually open to that if God wanted her to! I attended a Lamaze class with one friend. I was invited to be in the delivery room twice! I mean, how could I not be happy for amazing women like that? No one has ever hesitated to share her excitement with me, and for that I am so grateful. I love my friends and have had so much fun watching their children grow. I know they’ll be incredibly happy for me when God blesses us with a child someday. Thank you God for these friends.

Next Post: 4/12/07

My Fault? It's YOUR Fault!

It started in the Garden. Andy mentioned it in his last post. Men and women have been blaming each other since the first day of the fall of man. It’s a natural human response to a traumatic experience or fear. During the anger stage of grief we have a need to blame someone. I have heard of couples whose marriages were destroyed because they played the blame game.

By the Grace of God it never crossed our minds to blame each other. We KNEW that God had created us to be together and that God had chosen not to give US a baby. We are one. If one of us couldn’t reproduce, WE couldn’t have a biological child. We made the decision early on that it didn’t matter which one of us had the “faulty parts;” we are one body.

“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” Genesis 2:24

Claiming the truth that you two are one can save your marriage (for many reasons). If you think about it, what good does it do to blame each other anyway? It’s not like one CHOSE to be infertile to spite the other. It’s not your spouse’s fault. God chose this path for you. We may not understand God’s ways in the moment, but we can trust that He has a reason. This trust will bond you together as a team instead of drawing a dividing line between you and your spouse.

“’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

Next Post: 4/10/07

F-U-N and Wisdom from Robert Frost

Today's Post by Andy

So the silent male finally speaks. Hasn’t it been this way since the garden?

I guess it would be pretty easy for me to ride the wave of Michelle’s last post and lay it on thick with some self-promotion. My goodness—her words combined with that picture make me seem like prince charming. I could boast that I’ve always been that attentive and tuned in to my wife’s needs. I could explain that sensitivity just comes easy to me. But that wouldn’t be the truth.

In her last post, Michelle referenced Genesis 3 concerning God’s punishment of Eve. There is something else about that story that’s always intrigued me though: Adam’s silence. There’s no protesting as the serpent hoodwinks his wife. No indication that he even participates in the conversation. It’s bizarre—we don’t even hear Adam speak until God comes looking for the couple in the garden and addresses the man specifically. And even then, when he finally opens his mouth, Adam’s answer is embarrassingly deflective:

“The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.”

Translation: “It’s her fault. It’s your fault. I was just an innocent bystander!” Lame.

Unfortunately, I must admit that, like my father Adam, I’m a little slow on the uptake.

During the first year or so of our struggle with infertility, I was in la-la land. Obviously, I knew the facts of what was happening, but I wasn’t really invested in them. Here’s the thing: when you first start trying to have a baby, it’s a pretty fun process. Lots of fun, lots of the time. Then, when you don’t get pregnant in that first month, it actually gets even more fun for a little while. Then the fun suddenly gets very regimented and becomes a little less fun. Then all of a sudden there’s one perfect day to have fun amidst a bunch of other days when it’s not as opportune to have fun. At this point, the twenty something male (who’s overwhelmed with career stress and so has very little patience for un-fun things) checks out.

Maybe I wasn’t fully ready to have a baby when we started trying. It’s very likely Michelle’s enthusiasm was the only thing driving that train for the first year. I kind of wanted kids, but she really, really wanted a baby. Really. And so, passively and without protest, I complied. After all, it was fun.

The problem with all this was that a chasm was developing between the two of us that could have ended up disastrous: she wanting a baby with every fiber of her being, and I kind of wanting a baby but really just along for the ride. I was not exactly "with" her in the struggle, and it was only by the grace of God that I snapped out of my emotional coma before things got really ugly.

There is a Robert Frost poem called “Home Burial” that is basically a dialogue between a husband and wife whose relationship is disintegrating. The details are a bit fragmented, but it’s clear that the wife’s frustration with her husband is linked to his response to the death of their child. Throughout the poem, he is emotionless and matter-of-fact. He speaks of the child’s grave as if it’s just another mound of dirt. The poem ends with the wife on her way out the front door while the husband threatens to follow and bring her back by force. I was in college the first time I read this poem, and it has haunted me ever since. I think it’s because, deep down, I know I have the potential to be that kind of husband—I carry the curse of my gender.

Thankfully, much as He clothed Adam and Eve in the garden after their sin, God had mercy on me. The story of that process will come later.

So we didn’t end up like that couple from “Home Burial.” It’s funny though—I told Michelle recently that I’m probably somewhere around two years behind her in the grieving process of all this. She agreed, quickly. She didn’t even have to think about it. Ouch.

Next Post: 4/5/07 by Michelle

Woman's Curse

At the fall of man, God said to the woman, “I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children.” Genesis 3:16

Each month I got a negative test result and my period came, there were several days of sadness surrounding it. One month Andy was holding me as I cried and admitted that he couldn’t understand this sadness. He wanted children just like me, but there was a definite difference in the way it affected us. I explained to him that pregnancy was something I thought about every hour of every day. I couldn’t help it. I was even charting my fertility online daily.

We realized that because pregnancy happens within the woman’s body, she is forced to take notice of every sensation felt, and when she’s trying to get pregnant every twinge of sickness brings hope. The man doesn’t have to think of it unless the wife brings it up or he sees a father with his child.

Although I have never experienced the pain of childbearing, I have experienced the curse of being a woman waiting for God to implant a child into her womb. Fortunately I have a husband who is sensitive to that. He recognized that he couldn’t begin to understand the emotional pain I experienced each month when my period came. But when he held me it felt like the arms of God wrapping around me, comforting me.



Next Post, by Andy: 4/3/07

Wisdom From Fortune Cookies

I remember when I was a kid I used to shoot basketball in our backyard. I would say to myself, “If I make this shot _________ will happen.” I built the same kind of false hope on things I saw or things that were said when I was trying to get pregnant. Even though I knew it was false hope, I couldn’t help but get excited when I read a fortune that told me I would get something I’ve been wishing for very soon or that there would be a great life change in the near future. Silly, I know. But, when you want something very badly and you’re not getting it, you’ll seek hope and encouragement from anywhere.

Once I was helping with a kids’ play at church and out of the blue a woman came to me afterwards and said, “You’re going to be a great mom!” I took that as a sign that it would happen soon.

I went to have a fertility test where they flush your tubes to make sure there is no blockage to keep the egg from passing. The technician said that many woman he had performed this test on got pregnant the following month! This is it, I thought!

I started going to the chiropractor who told me that the area of my spine that affects my reproductive organs was out of alignment. He adjusted that area and said that many women who have had trouble getting pregnant come back the next month pregnant after an adjustment like that!

People say all kinds of things. You get your hopes up. Eventually you decide not to take it to heart, because it hurts too badly at the end of the month when you find out it wasn’t true.

Next Post: 3/29/07

How Much Is That Doggie In The Window?

Before I post my next entry, I want to thank you for reading each week. Just know that this is NOT the end of the story! This blog has a different format than most blogs because the thoughts you are reading are not my current thoughts. I have already written all of the entries (which is why I posted the Index at the beginning), I just haven't posted them all yet. I encourage you to read this blog as if you're reading a story, understanding that it's a process of thought stretching over several years. Each new post is like a new chapter of the story. You will not get to read my current thoughts and feelings on these issues for another 17 entries. Thanks for walking down this path with me, encouraging me, and being so understanding.

Now for today's entry...

When you’re planning to grow your family, you start considering the child in all decisions.
• We were hoping to be in a situation where I could stay home once the baby was born, so Andy was considering taking on an additional part time job.
• We hoped to get a mini-van to make travel easier. We planned to get Andy’s parents’ van when they got their new car.
• We weren’t sure we could commit to a cruise with Andy’s family the next year because I might be pregnant or have an infant.

When you start thinking like this on a daily basis, your paternal instincts kick into high gear. You love things that are cute and little. You walk through the baby clothes sections of stores. You get excited to see and hold babies, kittens, puppies. You desire to nest and nurture. The desire is unsatisfied month after month. So, you find a substitute.

Just before we started trying to get pregnant we got a puppy. We have as many pictures of our dog as most people do of their first child! It helped for us to take care of him and satisfy the needs of a living being that couldn’t care for itself. Some people pour themselves into their animal(s); some make themselves busy with work, friends, or even church…anything to satisfy this hole in their lives. A substitute can certainly distract you for a while, but it will never fill the gap.

I started to realize how big this gap was and that there was a chance it might never be filled. I started to ask myself, what if I never have a baby? Would I be OK if it were just God, Andy, and me for the rest of our lives? Shouldn’t I let God fill that gap?

Next Post: 3/27/07

Negative, Negative, Negative

Pregnancy tests get expensive month after month, so do ovulation predictor tests.

It’s especially hard to get a negative test result when you’ve done everything possible to ensure conception that month. You’ve counted the days, took the predictor tests, recorded your basal body temperature every morning, etc. The worst times were Mother’s Days, Father’s Days, birthdays, holidays…anytime I knew we would be with groups of family and friends in situations where it would have been perfect to tell everyone that I was pregnant.

Last February I went to a fertility doctor who saw two eggs in my right ovary through an ultrasound. Emmie & Addie! That month we did everything we knew to make this the month!

I counted that I should expect my period a couple of days before Andy’s birthday. I sat down and made a list of things he liked and things I wanted to give him for his birthday and I realized that many of them started with the letter “B”, so I went with the theme “B if for Birthday.” I was going to start out the day with a birthday banner, balloons, and breakfast in bed. Then, before he was off to school I would give him books and a bonus (a subscription to his favorite magazine). I would then decorate the inside of the trunk of his car and send him an e-mail at work telling him to go out and look inside where he would find a basketball and ball cap. Then, after we went out to his favorite restaurant we would come home for brownies and berries. And, finally I would reveal the grand prize to him…a BABY!

His birthday came, so did my period.

My friend found out she was pregnant again. They were in a tight place and didn’t have enough money for maternity clothes. After I talked myself into it and shed a few tears, I gave her mine. Another friend found out she was pregnant (surprise!) and didn’t have any reading materials. I gave her mine. I didn’t need them after all and she did.

By the way, it’s not a good idea to watch “A Baby Story” when you’re going through this. It only makes you angry.

Next Post: 3/22/07

Next Month

I remember in 8th grade staring at this girl in my English class who I was afraid would go into labor right there in class!

When he was teaching, two of Andy’s high school students confided in him that they were pregnant and needed some flexibility with their school requirements.

Almost none of my married friends and family planned their pregnancies. Some of them even got pregnant while on birth control. Getting pregnant must be easy, right?

I began counting down the days that I should expect to take a pregnancy test. I was so psyched and started planning how I would tell Andy that I was pregnant. I could see it all in my head and it was perfect! I paid close attention to every unusual sensation I felt in my body that month (and every month that followed). One day I was slightly nauseous before breakfast. Another day I thought my stomach felt hard. Then, one day I felt a sharp pain in my ovary. I had a headache one day. I had heard that some women didn’t have signs of pregnancy until they were well along, so it didn’t concern me that none of my symptoms were consistent.

A couple of days before I expected my period I took an early pregnancy test. It was negative. That’s OK, I thought, maybe I took the test too early. I still had two days and then I could take the test again. But, I didn’t have to.

I wonder if everyone thinks they’ll get pregnant right away like I did. It seemed so easy for everyone else. Why not us? Oh well, it was just our first month. Maybe next month.

I thought this every month…for two years.

Next Post: Tuesday, March 20, 2007