Most Popular Question Answered

So, are you still planning to adopt?

Answer:  Yes.  Two days before we found out we were pregnant we were awarded a grant from Steven Curtis Chapman's foundation Shaohanna's Hope.  It will not cover the full amount, but will certainly help.  The grant will be awarded at placement and they will hold it until we are ready.

Interestingly enough, we were in our eighth month of waiting for adoption when we found out we were pregnant, and the same week we got our first call from the agency.  In fact, they called about two different children that week.  Needless to say, we were a little overwhelmed.  We didn't want to just say "no", but we were...distracted.  I hadn't even been to the doctor yet to find out about the baby that is growing inside of me or how many are already in there!  We prayerfully considered both children and didn't feel a peace about either situation.  And, after counseling and praying with people we trust very much, we've asked the agency to pull our portfolio until we feel is it time to start the process again, which will probably be after the baby is born.

OK, I'll Say It...

…no we haven’t heard anything from the agency.  No, we don’t have a match yet.  There.  I said it.  Now I can move on.

I have avoided blogging for the past couple of months because I SO wanted my next post to be news about our baby.  But, now too much time has passed, and people are going to stop checking if I don’t write something.

I’ve heard so many adoptive moms talk about what they call “emotional labor”.  Adoptive moms don’t have the physical pain of carrying and delivering a child, but our hearts ache deeply as we wait for the child we have prayed for for so long.  I’ve definitely been experiencing that.  Even though we KNOW that God is going to give us the child He has chosen for us at the perfect time, we still long for our child in such a real way that we can almost feel him/her in our arms at times.  We stand and look at our nursery stocked with all the things we need to care for a baby and imagine what life will be like when he/she is here.  It’s both exciting and excruciating.

For some women, infertility is the hardest experience of their lives.  For me, waiting for our adopted child is much harder than all of my years of infertility combined.  I think it’s because having a child biologically is not ULTIMATE for me.  What IS ultimate for me is being a mom.  Honestly, at this point I don’t think I would feel a tremendous loss if I never birthed a child.  As my friend (who is also an adoptive mom with no biological children) says, “God just had a different plan for how I would get my children.  They are no less mine than if I gave birth to them.  And, if I had given birth to children, I think it would have been these exact two children.” 

For many women, giving birth is ultimate.  I can usually tell who they are because when I talk to them about our adoption the conversations inevitably end with their encouraging me to keep the faith that I’ll have a baby “of my own” one day.  I can’t explain why God has made me OK with infertility, but I’m thankful He has.

The pain of waiting for our child is magnified with Mother’s Day approaching.  If you’ve been following the blog for a while, you have heard me say how hard Mother’s Day is for “infertile” women.  It is especially hard for women who go to church on Mother’s Day.  Typically churches have a ceremony or some kind of treat for mothers—and they should!  Mothers need to be recognized for what they do.  It is a rewarding and beautiful thing to sacrifice and serve others on a daily basis.  I can’t wait to be included in that!

This year, Andy offered to take me away somewhere for Mother’s Day.  But, I thank God that I don’t feel that is necessary this year.  Three or four of our close friends are having their new babies baptized on Mother’s Day, and I want to be there for that.  I dream of the day we have our little one baptized as a symbol of our recognition that this child belongs to God, not us, and we are committed to raising him/her with that in mind.  Part of infant baptism is a charge to the congregation to support the parents and help raise the child(ren) in a covenant community of believers.  I want to be there to make that promise to my friends.

One of the most beautiful things about our church family is that they long for this child to join the family almost as intensely as we do!  I could mention our pending adoption to almost any woman at church at any given moment and the water works begin.   They hurt for us and are excited for us.  It is such a beautiful picture of 1 Corinthians 12:26.  I know that if I’m having a hard time on Mother’s Day, church is where I want to be!  If I cry, it’s OK because I know they are going to love on me so hard that I will be comforted and reminded of God’s love and promises.  And I know Andy will love on me too.  I told him that it would help me this year (as we’re closer to getting our baby than we’ve been in the past six years) that it would help if he treated me like a mother and reminded me throughout the day that I AM going to be a mother soon.  Thinking of it that way makes me a little excited about Mother’s Day.  Who knows…I may be eight months “pregnant” right now and just don’t know it yet!

Curtain Call

I have been dancing since I was three years old.  I have had around a hundred curtain calls in my life.  But, this one will be the hardest.

I broke the news to my faculty last week that I will not be returning next year.  After eight years of teaching dance in public elementary schools, it is time for a change.  Next year, I plan to spend every possible moment with our baby.  I want to cherish every second with this precious child God will entrust to us.  And, everybody says it goes SO fast!

Andy and I have talked about this for years.  When he was struggling through teaching high school, we used to joke that he would be a stay at home dad.  At that time, I couldn’t imagine leaving my job.  I loved it!  Over the past several years, God has changed our situation and our hearts.  Andy now loves his job.  And, while I still love mine too, I love the idea of being with my baby more.

I have been in an ideal teaching situation for the past five years.  Many dance teachers have to travel between multiple schools or teach in less than satisfactory facilities.  I have my own dance studio at one school with a sprung floor.  I work with an AMAZING staff who will do whatever it takes to help children learn.  On top of that, I absolutely LOVE and adore my students.  All of them.  Every last one of them.  Thinking of leaving them hurts me.  Over the years, I have proven to them that I love them no matter what, so they love me too.  There is nothing more rewarding than seeing a troubled and distant kid start to respond to you and even go out of his/her way to please you.  It’s even better when that positive attitude starts to spread to other areas and relationships in his/her life.  We all respond to love.  1 John 4:19.  I want to love my child like that.

Since the beginning of this school year, we’ve been talking about whether or not I should sign another contract for next year.  The only thing that ever gave us a moment’s hesitation was fear; fear of change.  While I wrestled with certain aspects of not teaching next year, there was never really a doubt in my mind what I would do.

When I told my principal that I wouldn’t be back next year, she said the most wonderful thing.  “If all parents invested in their children as much and you and Andy will invest in yours, our job would be easy.  You are going to be wonderful parents.”  Her words, and the encouraging words of so many others who stayed home with their young children, confirmed that our decision was right for us.  They said things like, “This is the best decision you will ever make.  You will never regret it.”  Besides that, it’s a good year for me to leave and a new dance teacher to come in because half of our students are being rezoned to a new elementary school next year and our school is getting a new principal.  This will make it much easier for a new teacher.  Hopefully she won’t hear things like “The other dance teacher did it like this…” and she will be free to create her own program.

Will it be hard?  Yes, of course.  I will miss seeing the kids and staff everyday, and I will need to find some way to supplement our income.  But, it would also be hard to keep doing what I’m doing and try to be a mom.  The thought of that kills me!  I already get up at 5 am and don’t go to bed until at least 11 pm.  Trying to get ready for school, take care of a baby, drop him/her off at daycare, exhausting myself physically and emotionally through teaching, getting home at 5ish with nothing left to give, dealing with dinner and dishes, putting the baby down, doing whatever work I need to for school or life and then dying at the end of the night does not sound appealing or healthy to me AT ALL!  At the end of the day, I would feel like someone else is raising my kid and I only got to spend a couple of hours with him/her, all while trying to tend to other family business, exhausted!  I know that the benefits of being with my child will far outweigh the challenges.

Something about a simpler life appeals to us so much.  For those of you who don’t know, Andy is the cook at our house.  He is forever cleaning or fixing something (reminds me of my dad).  He does so much around here.  I have certain things that I take care of at home, but I always feel like he does more than me.  I am definitely spoiled!  I look forward to being able to help Andy more around the house.  If he didn’t have to do so much after he gets off work each day, he would have much less stress and be able to spend more time with me and our kids.  I know it’s not as easy as it sounds, but we’re willing to work at it.

Andy and I are no strangers to cutting corners.  Granted, it’s been a while and God has blessed us, our first year of marriage I was a first year teacher and Andy was in graduate school.  In case you’re into math, you’ll find there was not a lot left at the end of the month.  I didn’t buy myself a single article of clothing for the first two years of our marriage.  We wouldn’t even buy gum because that was something we didn’t NEED.  But, God provided in amazing ways, and we grew as a result of that time.  We may be going back to our days of Ramen and peanut butter sandwiches, but we feel it will be worth it, and we know that God is our ultimate provider. 

We’ve looked at the numbers, and if I worked, the majority of my paycheck would go to daycare.  In that case, I’m not only missing time with my child(ren) while someone else is influencing them, I’m also not saving enough money to make a difference in our quality of life.  I don’t want to work just to pay the daycare bills!  It might be different if we had family close by, but his family lives in FL and mine is in GA.  We can’t really just take the kids to grandmas whenever we want.  So, if other family can’t be with them, we would like one of us to be with them.

I feel like God has been preparing me for this for the past couple of years.  In this area of the country, there aren’t many outlets for “older” dancers.  To take classes, I have to drive to Charlotte and pay $10 per class as well as gas, not exactly feasible or worth it for only one class a week.  Whatever your talent or trade, when you don’t have regular opportunities to practice it, you start to lose it.  And, when you don’t take in, you have nothing to give out.  It’s hard to stay current and relevant and insecurity builds.

While I have loved my job, the farther I get away from college, where I was able to take several classes a day from people in “the know”, the more I see dance evolve and leave me behind.  Strangely, I feel OK about it.  Even though I’ve been doing it since I was three, I don’t feel a great loss.  Dance has served me well throughout my life.  It has given me confidence and a very satisfying career.  But, change is inevitable, and I’m not fighting it.  In fact, I’m excited about it and look forward to my next career as mommy.  :)

I’m not ready to say this is my final curtain call.  But, on June 6^th, I will be bowing out, at least for a while.

Alien

In preparation for baby, I have been doing a lot of research on parenting techniques.  I’m reading all about attachment parenting, demand feeding, hyper scheduling, the Baby Wise way, etc.  I like to compare the different schools of thought, realizing that I won’t know what will work best until I meet my baby. 

I walked into the YMCA with “Baby Wise” under my arm.  I intentionally put the cover page close to my body so no one passing by me could see it.  When I climbed onto the elliptical I placed the book face down, again so no one could see it.  I started pedaling, folding the book back, cover touching cover. 

After about 20 minutes, the lady on the machine next to me said, “I’m impressed that you’re able to read and pedal at the same time!”  Then she asked the dreaded question, “What are you reading?”

“Baby Wise,” I said.  She looked at my stomach and said, “But, you’re not pregnant.”

I laughed, “No, I’m not.  But, my husband and I are adopting.”

A great conversation on parenting ensued.  In the end I was glad she asked.  I would rather someone ask than for people to wonder and make up their own stories in their heads.

Even though people who know us don’t think it’s weird, I can’t help but feel a little like an alien around people who don’t.  I’m having baby showers, reading baby books, buying baby things…but no big belly and no due date.  It doesn’t make me sad.  In fact, I haven’t been sad over not being able to get pregnant one time since we started the adoption process.  But, I find myself sneaking around in public when there’s baby stuff involved.

Just before our baby shower at the church, one of the guys in our worship band did the greatest thing.  He walked up to me, patted my belly and said, “Girl, you’re about to pop!”  That made my day!  It made me feel so “normal!”   I’ve laughed every time I’ve thought about it since.  I hope that everyone around us will feel that comfortable and not feel like they have to tiptoe around the issue.  It helps us not feel so weird.

It's Official!

We have officially completed our homestudy! On January 2^nd we had our final office visit at CFS where we finally met the Director and the Administrator in person. They are two beautiful ladies who spend all their time helping women in crisis, couples in waiting, and children who are caught in the middle.

Our meeting lasted 2 hrs. and 45 mins.! I think it was mostly because we enjoyed talking and didn’t try to rush our conversation. It turns out we have a lot of connections with the Director, S, through mutual acquaintances. The purpose of the meeting is for her to get to know us a little so she can properly represent us to the birthmothers. It’s also a time for her to tell us what to expect and give us a rundown of adoption laws and costs.

At the meeting we turned in the portfolio that I have been poring over for the past couple of months. One day on my way to school, I was praying that God would help me create a portfolio that the birthmother of our child would be drawn to. I was thinking of the things that make us unique that few other couples would be able to offer. The greatest thing I think we have to offer is the fact that every single member of our family is supportive and excited about our adoption. And, that’s when it hit me.

When I got home that day I called every member of our family and asked them to write a paragraph on a 3X5 card expressing their excitement about the arrival of their new family member. Some wrote about things they couldn’t wait to experience with their new grandchild, niece, nephew, or cousin. I included pictures of the respective family members beside their card. S said she had seen portfolios where both the adoptive mother and father wrote letters, but never every member of the family! She said it would be a treasure and comfort to the birthfamily. At the recommendation of the agency, I made two copies—one for the birthmother to keep and one to give the child one day. I’d love for you to see it. Feel free to ask!

There are two tracks you can choose from when working with this agency. One track is for couples waiting for Caucasian children only. The other is for couples willing to adopt an African American child. That is the track we are on. During our meeting, we found out that there are only two other couples working with CFS that are in the same track as us! On top of that, both of those couples want girls. Andy and I are willing to take a boy or a girl!

I thought back to my birthday seven years ago when my friend Adam gave me a little black boy beanie baby. Everyone who knows me well has heard me say at some point that I would like to have a little black boy one day. Through interactions with my students, I’ve always connected with my black boys and have to be careful not to favor them. I can’t explain the desire to have a black son. I can’t deny it either.

If a woman pregnant with a black girl comes to the agency, S will show her the portfolios of the two other couples waiting for black girls first. If the birthmother does not choose either of them to parent her child, S will then show her our portfolio. That is the only chance we’ll have a girl. If a woman pregnant with a black boy comes to the agency, S has only one portfolio to show. Us. If the birthmother does not choose us to parent her child, S will have to send her to another agency to find parents for her child. If she does choose us, S will call us and tell us everything she knows about the child. We will have 24 hrs. to pray and ask God if this is our child. If we say yes, then we pray real hard throughout the remainder of her pregnancy that God would guard our hearts in case she changes her mind. That’s the scary part.

Once the baby is born, the birthmother usually signs the release forms within a couple of days. After that, there’s no turning back. There could be some complications with the birthfather, if he’s involved at all, but we’ll be aware of that along the way. We’ll also have an adoption lawyer to protect us as much as possible. About 90 days after placement we go to court to finalize the adoption.

My friend Danielle has a friend who just adopted through Bethany Christian Services. She got a call on Tuesday and picked up her baby on Wednesday! The baby had been born two weeks before and was in foster care while they waited for the birthfather to sign the release forms.

Hearing this story and seeing the pictures helps me to believe that it’s actually going to happen for us too. It’s also a wake up call that it could happen VERY quickly! I feel a huge desire to get things in place so that we can be ready for whatever timeline God has planned for us. We plan to have the baby shower from my church next month, hopefully before the baby is born. It will be a non-gender specific needs/necessities shower, things on our registry at Babies R Us and Target. The ladies at my school have talked about giving me a shower too! Then, after the baby is born, those of you who do not teach at my school or go to our church can participate in a gender specific shower. That will give those of you who live out of town a chance to see the baby! :)

So, basically we’re waiting for our birthmother to call the agency, see our portfolio, and choose us to parent her child. In the meantime, we prepare by reading books like “What to Expect the First Year.” And, we ordered the crib and changing table last night! It won’t be long before the house has evidence that a baby is coming!

Long Overdue Update

For those of you who are checking the blog faithfully, so sorry I’ve been MIA. There has been SO much going on and I’m really excited to catch you up!

So, what has been keeping us so busy? We sold our house! We are moving to Ft. Mill! We’ve been talking about this for a long time (since we do so much in Ft. Mill already)
and finally decided to put the house on the market to see what happened. After a couple of months with minimal action, we wondered if we should take the house off the market and stay. So, we decided to give it till November 10th, and if nothing happened we’d take the house off the market and stay in Rock Hill. Wouldn’t ya know, on November 6th we got a great offer and had a contract the next day. I guess God wants us to move. ☺

We’ve now put a contract on our new house, which we are SO excited about! The crazy thing is, we close on both houses on December 21st! Yeah, it’s going to be a busy month!

As for adoption, we’ve turned in ALL the paperwork except one last questionnaire on transracial adoption and our portfolio. I’ve been working furiously on the portfolio, which I’m actually very happy with. Once we turn the questionnaire and portfolio in and have our office visit at the agency, we’ll be eligible! Let’s just say I’ve been singing in my car a lot more lately and dancing on my tippy toes a lot. ☺ We are very excited about all the upcoming changes.

Our new house has a study connected to the master bedroom, which we plan to use as our nursery. Did you hear that? Our nursery!! It’s been really fun to picture what the nursery will look like, and I’ve been looking at cribs online. That is WAY fun! I can hardly wait to get the nursery done!

I can’t even tell you how happy I am. I thank God for the blessings he’s given us even just this past month. He’s gone WAY beyond our expectations with the new house and has really helped me with some great ideas for the portfolio and…wow, I don’t even think I can name all the blessings. Thank you, God.

A Child of Our Own

I’m sure you’ve heard stories or know someone who adopted and then got pregnant right away. Since we’ve started the adoption process, the most common response we get from others is, “I bet you’re going to get pregnant now!” People have been genuinely excited for us to add to our family through adoption, but often the conversation turns to the baby we could possibly have after we adopt.

Since the doctors have found nothing medically wrong with Andy or me, it is easy for me to believe this could happen. All along I’ve thought of infertility as God’s way of getting couples to consider opening their homes and hearts to children who need a mommy and daddy. The incredibly large number of women who have gotten pregnant shortly after adopting supports this idea. But, I can’t allow myself to think that way for several reasons.

1. It might not happen. Maybe that sounds hopeless to you, but it’s a reality that I have faced and must continue to remember throughout this process. There are no guarantees.
2. I don’t want to take the focus or attention off of the baby that God will bring into our family through adoption.
3. I don’t want our adopted child to ever think that he/she is less “ours” than a biological child would be.

I’ve read about families who have both biological and adopted children being approached by acquaintances or strangers who ask, “Now, which ones are yours and which ones are adopted?” Since we are pursuing adoption of an African American or bi-racial child, that question will likely not be necessary for Andy and I. ☺ But, I don’t ever want anyone to think an adopted child would be less “ours” than a biological child would be. And, if God decides to bless us with a biological child, he/she will be considered our second born, loved equally with the first.

Conversations with CFS

So, you wait for 2-3 weeks for a post and then you get 4! Be sure to read the other posts below. All of these things float around in my head everyday, but I don’t always have time to get them down. This post is an update.

In “What’s Happening Now,” I told you that we sent in an application to Christian Family Services in Fort Mill. That was a Monday. On Tuesday I got a call from CFS letting us know that they got our application and were “thrilled” to be working with us! I talked to the administrator of the agency for 40 minutes. We had the most pleasant conversation and hashed through some details so that we can get our homestudy started. It turns out that the director of the agency goes to the parent church that planted our church!

Basically, we’ve expressed an interest in adopting an infant of any race or gender. Because we are willing to adopt an African American or Bi-racial child, we are considered to be pursuing a “special needs” adoption. This lowers our cost and requirements significantly. This also means that we will VERY likely have a baby within one year from the date the homestudy is complete!

The homestudy takes about two months, so it should be completed by the end of November or early December. During that time we will be putting together a portfolio (or scrapbook) about our family. Once we have been proven competent enough to be parents, the agency will begin showing our portfolio to birth moms. The agency will show the portfolios of all adoptive couples who are willing to take the kind of child being born. The birth mom then selects the parents of her child based on what she sees in the portfolios. At that point, the agency calls the adoptive couple selected and describes the expected child. They will explain any medical problems the child may be predisposed to according to family history, the race and gender of the child. The adoptive couple then has 24 hours to pray and make a decision about whether or not this is the child for them.

We requested the social worker that each of us has spoken to on previous occasions to work our case. Last week we were notified that she has accepted our case! She is very kind and helpful, so we are happy that we will get to work with her.

So, this is pretty exciting! I’ve been saying, “Andy, we’re going to be parents!” and “I’m gonna be a mama!” I can’t believe it!!

Allowed to Dream Again

I went to a baby shower the other day for another teacher in my school. I’ve been to many baby showers in my five plus years of infertility, but something was different about this one. I felt different. I sat at a table with some teacher friends of mine. While we snacked on the cake with the little pink baby booties on top I told them that we had begun the adoption process. Some of them had struggled through fertility treatments themselves before getting pregnant, and they were genuinely excited for me. One of them said, “This means we’ll be giving you a baby shower before too long!” What? Me? YES! ME!!

I hadn’t realized how much I had suppressed the pain of infertility until now. Now that there is a pinhole of light coming through the dark cloud of infertility, I can see that I wasn’t as OK with being around pregnant women, babies and children as I thought I was. I fooled even myself into thinking I was OK. Hearing the news of another friend’s pregnancy, going to a baby shower, holding a new baby, watching families together…over the past five years I can hear the voice in my head saying, “I’m OK with this. See. Look at me. I’m not upset in the least! I can handle this!” I had convinced myself. After going to that baby shower last week, I knew I had been lying to myself all this time.

So what was different? Lately, since the adoption process has begun, I’ve caught myself daydreaming again. I can see Andy holding our new baby. I can see myself cuddling and nuzzling a little one, even changing dirty diapers. I think about getting up in the middle of the night and looking like a zombie everyday. As I drive, I imagine a car seat with a crying baby in the back seat. When we go shopping, I try to imagine what it will be like trying to get through the store with a baby. I crave the moments when the baby lights up at the sight of me or the sound of my voice. I dreamed these kinds of dreams when we first started trying, but had to stop after a while. These kinds of thoughts are torturous when you’re not sure if you’ll ever hold your own baby in your arms. Now that we’re involved with an agency, I can allow myself to dream again. And, being around pregnant women, going to baby showers, holding babies, and seeing families together brings me excitement. Because, now I know my day will come too. I’m gonna be a mama!!!

"What do you mean, "She's expecting?'"

At church last Sunday, a precious friend of mine walked up to me and said, “So, I hear you’re expecting.” Then she gave me this sweet smile and hugged me. Two nights before, she had attended a cookout where Andy had shared the news that we have begun the adoption process. She has no idea how much her words meant to me.

I’ve discovered that people don’t really know how to treat someone who is “unable” to have children of their own, someone who is in the process of adopting. How do you talk to someone who is going to raise a baby that didn’t come from her body?

After reading my post “Get In My Belly!” a dear childhood friend of mine (whose mother was adopted) wrote me an e-mail. She prefaced her thoughts by saying that she realized what she was about to say would probably sound crazy, but it didn’t sound crazy to me at all.

When Emilee read where Andy said, “I don’t care about the money anymore. It’s time to move forward [with adoption],” she felt like that was the moment our baby was conceived. She went on to compare our journey of waiting for a child to that of a pregnant woman in waiting for her little one to arrive. Neither an adoptive mom nor a birth mom can see the baby before it’s born. Both wonder what he/she will look like. Both worry about the development of the baby. Both worry about the safety of the baby during delivery. Both prepare for the baby’s arrival. Both worry that they won’t know what to do when they bring baby home. Both experience pain (physical and/or emotional) but when the baby arrives, the pain is forgotten. “The end result is the same—you have a precious baby or child!”

Emilee went on to say, “You many never have a huge belly, but your heart will keep getting bigger and bigger and pretty soon you’ll feel/see things start to move and change—maybe not a significant change, but a little something to let you know it’s on the way. You love that child right now, even though you have no idea who this person is…then you’ll have that first time you ever saw him or her moment.”

It is such a blessing to have friends that think of adoption that way. I’ve read advice from other adoptive parents that say family and friends should treat an adoptive couple as if they are pregnant. We want people to be as excited for us to adopt as they would be if we were pregnant. As the time gets closer and a birth mom selects us to be the parents of her child, and we have a due date, we will be excited to talk about baby showers, strollers, cribs, etc. We’re thankful to have so many supportive people to share the excitement with.

Moses Had Identity Issues

Through my adoption research, one topic that comes up repeatedly is identity. Adoptees (people who have been adopted) struggle for a large part of their lives with knowing who they are. Many adoptees seek out their birth parents at some point to find out what characteristics they got from their birth parents. Some need to find their birthparents to learn about the medical history of those in their bloodline. This is one reason families have turned to open adoption (more on that in a future post).

I have been reading through Exodus in my morning quiet time, and this week it hit me, even Moses had identity issues. Moses is the first known adoptee in the Bible. The people of Israel were slaves in Egypt when Pharaoh demanded that all male babies be put to death as a way of controlling the Israelite population. In order to save her son, Moses’ birth mom put him in a basket and watched her baby float away down the Nile. She sent his older sister to watch after him and see what came of him.

Pharaoh’s daughter who was bathing in the Nile found the baby. Eventually she adopted him as her son. But, after he grew up and saw the oppression of his birth family, Israel, he took pity on them to the point of killing an Egyptian to avenge them. When Pharaoh learned of the murder he sought to kill Moses, so Moses ran from Egypt.

Moses settled in a foreign land and married a girl who was neither Israelite nor Egyptian. He stayed there until God came to him in the burning bush and told him to return to Egypt to free the children of Israel. Moses’ reaction to God’s calling was, “Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the children of Israel out of Egypt?” (Exodus 3:11) Never mind that he is the grandson of Pharaoh born of an Israelite. But what struck me even more was Moses’ question to God in Exodus 6:12 & 30. “How then shall Pharaoh listen to me, for I am of uncircumcised lips?” Moses was insecure about his identity even after God had proven His power through him.

Moses showed signs of having identity issues in many ways: by not knowing which nation of people he should be loyal to, by leaving Egypt (where both his birth and adoptive families were) and marrying a foreigner, by expressing his concern that no one would listen to him because he didn’t belong to either nation of people. But, the beauty in the story is the redemption of Moses.

God chose to use Moses to bring affliction on the nation of Egypt to redeem his people, Israel. (Exodus 7:1) Did God need Moses to do that? No. He had already proven that in Genesis 12:10-20 when He brought affliction and plagues on Egypt (without the use of a man) after an earlier Pharaoh took Sarai as a wife. But, in his mercy and grace, He redeemed Moses and set him above both the Egyptians and the children of Israel. And, his redemption did not end with the Exodus from Egypt. Later, God allowed his commandments to come to His chosen people through Moses. God fully redeemed Moses and made him a respected and revered leader of his people, Israel.

Moses is a biblical example of God’s grace and mercy on adoptees who struggle through identity issues. God’s redemption is greater than we could hope or imagine.

What's Happening Now

So, it’s been over a month since I’ve posted. Thank you all for asking about us and for praying for us. I am always humbled to know that people pray for us; many of you do everyday. You people are amazing!

Honestly, the reason I haven’t posted is because I’ve dreaded saying that nothing has changed. It’s one thing to know that myself, but to say it out loud to everyone else is another thing. BUT, tonight I can say we have made a move!

Things have been incredibly busy, as we knew they would. But, last week I called the Department of Social Services (DSS) and left a message asking about getting a homestudy started. I also called the same social worker (H.B.) that Andy talked to back in August, just to ask her some questions. She was incredibly nice and helpful.

I told her my concerns about independent/private adoption (where you find your own birthmother and go to the lawyer with her to draw up the papers). In many private arrangements, the adoptive couple pays whatever living expenses the birthmother needs: rent, utilities, gas, groceries, medical, etc. Knowing that many of these types of adoptions fall through and that there is a possibility for adoption fraud (the birthmother needs someone to pay her bills and makes an adoption plan knowing all along that she doesn’t plan to finalize), we have not progressed for fear that we would not be able to move ahead after an “interrupted” adoption. H.B. asked if we had thought about an agency adoption. I told her we’d thought about Christian Family Services (CFS) in Ft. Mill. She said they had a great reputation. She said that part of their ministry was to pay the living expenses for the birthmothers and only expect reimbursement from the adoptive couple upon finalization of the adoption. So, we would not be expected to pay living expenses up front, nor would be have to pay in the case of an interrupted adoption. That’s very helpful information!

After four days of no response from DSS, I called again. The number at which I left a message earlier in the week had been disconnected. I found it odd that the phone number of a government agency would be disconnected.

We’ve talked a lot about whether we need to do a State adoption of a special needs child. Neither of us has felt a “calling” in that direction. We’re open to it. We’ve prayed about it. But, we’ve had no inclination that we definitely need to pursue it. Christian Family Services places mostly infants, but on occasion they place older children and children with special needs as well. So, we figured if we go through them, we would still have all of our options open should God speak to us about that in the process.

Then there’s Guatemala. About a month ago a lady who went on the mission trip with us called to tell me that the director of the ministry in Guatemala bought an orphanage. My heart fluttered. It took me back to the Marriott where all the gringos were with their Guatemalan babies. As it turns out, there are 27 infants under the age of one at the orphanage.

So, Friday night Andy and I filled out an application for CFS. We expressed interest in doing a domestic and international homestudy. We said we were willing to adopt a “special needs” child (which could be a child of a minority race, an older child, or a child with other special needs) from our own country or another country. We’ve left all of our options open. We put the stamp on it tonight!

And They're Stepping Out Onto The Tightrope...

Teachers in Rock Hill went back to school on Wednesday. Summer’s over! The kids are coming back, ready or not! People always ask, “are you ready?” My answer is always the same, “I will be when the kids get here next week.” That’s my favorite part. They’re excited, refreshed and ready to learn at the beginning of the year. I’m always happy to see how much they’ve grown over the summer and hear their fun summer stories.

For the past several years, during the work week, I have worked from 7:30 AM to about 5:30 PM, then I would go home and help with dinner, then clean up, then get ready for the next day, and by then it would be time for bed. So, this summer I decided not to work so that I could accomplish several things before the next busy school year started up. Item number one on my to do list this summer? Adoption. At least to get the process started, at least to have called a social worker.

But, the research alone took all summer. Then, at the end of summer things just got too busy. We went to Guatemala and the day after we got back, Andy started seminary (yeah!). So, the closer the end of summer got, the less hope I had that anything would ever happen. I knew that once school started back I wouldn’t have time for anything else.

During his seminary class, Andy didn’t have a lot of time to talk because he was studying for hours every night. He didn’t have time to help with things around the house either, so by the weekend after his first week of class I hadn’t done the dishes all week. I had been sleeping on and off throughout the day. There were clothes in the washing machine from Tuesday to Saturday that had actually started to stink. There were two days I didn’t even shower. I had started slipping into depression.

By talking to Andy about my week, I started to realize my lack of hope. Everything I said was negative. I couldn’t even make myself imagine that adoption would ever happen for us. As I talked through it, I began to realize it was because I had imposed a deadline on myself. I had told myself that it would never work if I had to balance work, church, friends and family, and adoption.

Andy was great. He promised that when his three-week intensive Greek class was over he would be fully available to help. He also prayed for me. In his prayer he asked that God would help me to be satisfied in Him, that I would seek Him first. That made me think. Hum, I hadn’t been doing that, at least not for a while.

The next day, Sunday, all the music at church was about loving God just for who He is. “Turn your eyes upon Jesus. Look full in his wonderful face, and the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace.” Then, at a training class I went to that afternoon, the message I got was, "pursue Him with the intensity that you pursue the things you really want." I realized that besides imposing an unreasonable deadline on myself, I have also been ignoring my relationship with God. In fact, I had replaced my time hanging out with Him with adoption research. I feel so confident that adoption is what He wants us to do that I began to pursue that and figured it was OK since He was calling us to do it. In a sense, adoption had become my God. But, I realized quickly that pursuing God is totally different than pursuing His calling on your life.

I revived my prayer time and time in the word that night, and God has been faithful. Starting my days that way has helped me focus on Him instead of adoption and the fact that it hasn’t happened yet. I’ve also been able to let go of the deadline and realize that adoption doesn’t have to be so urgent. It’s going to happen. I’ve just got to take it day by day. I’ll do what I can in one day and do some more the next day. Eventually it will happen.

So, we’re asking that you pray that we’ll be able to walk the tightrope of our lives, to find balance. Between full time jobs, Andy’s seminary, church, family and friends, after school clubs, etc. it’s going to be a challenge. But, I have renewed hope and faith that it will happen. We’ve waited five years; we can wait a few more months. ☺ And, Andy has also held true to his promise. He talked to a social worker this week!